Day 101
For those of you that haven’t already figured it out, I have a mother-in-law that looks upon me as a long lost son. On first impression you may think this is a heart-warming act of matriarchal kindness in that she embraced me into the family fold with welcoming arms.
Unfortunately she considers me to be the kind of retarded offspring that the Victorians disowned, locked away in an asylum and tried to forget about as they were left to chew the straps on their straight jackets.
Usually when she asks me a question it’s confined to enquiring why I spend so much time on the Internet poker tables without winning any money or how I don’t consider myself a disgrace after getting stupendously drunk on such a regular basis.
Today I managed to do something that not only added to this notion but also probably confirmed it for good.
Prior to making my presence known at the poker tables with my usual display of incompetence, I decided that I would feel considerably brighter if I freshened up with a quick shower and shave before sitting down.
I put the plug in the sink, turned the taps on and grabbed my shaving gear from the bathroom cabinet. Just as I was about to start making myself look like something other than a disheveled werewolf the phone rang. I wrapped a towel around my waist and jogged down the stairs to answer it. Mrs. Snowman’s voice hit my eardrums with a request to get several items of food from the freezer, thereby insuring they de-frosted before she returned from work.
You’ll be delighted to hear I didn’t forget.
This would usually have been considered good news…apart from the fact that she kept me on the phone for so long that I forgot to turn the tap off in the bathroom.
An ominous dripping sound in the kitchen (located directly below the overflowing sink) gave me more than a slight hint of what had happened.
I strolled back up the stairs (six at a time), flung open the door and slid across the bathroom floor like an ice hockey puck. I would have gone for a considerable distance if there wasn’t a wall in the way to curtail my progress. After slopping to the sink I managed to turn the taps off and used every towel in the house to mop up the newly created water feature.
Not wanting to repeat a previous misdemeanor, I threw on some rudimentary clothes and went to survey the damage to the kitchen.
Other than a large puddle in the middle of the floor, it didn’t look too bad and half a pack of super absorbent kitchen roll soon solved the problem.
Until I looked up at the ceiling.
A large discolored circular watermark had developed above my head.
Clearly there was nothing I could do about this given the limited time frame before any females returned home but few people spend a lot of time gazing at ceilings, I might get away with it for a couple of days.
On reflection I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t anywhere near the light socket.
Tomorrow night when everyone else is safely in bed, I’ll get the paint out and give it a quick coat and with any luck mother-in-law will be none the wiser.
I hope.
Not wanting to give the impression that anything unusual had happened, I made sure I was staring intently into a laptop when Mrs. Snowman and mother-in-law returned home. To give this more credence, I decided on a quick 2c/15c game to sharpen my wits before the tournaments started. I bought $3 in chips and amazingly doubled my money within ninety minutes.
Filled with renewed confidence, I readied myself for the $3.30 tournament and battled my way though until the first break. As I was starting to drift down the field I thought it was time to get more aggressive and pushed hard with A-Q off and hit two pair on the flop. I called an all-in bet against a short stack and saw runner, runner make his flush with K-6 off. How he managed to call my raise with that crap I’ll never know. The very next hand I pushed all-in with pocket 6’s, hit trips on the flop and the same player called my all-in bet with fuck all and hit the flush for the second time in a row.
If ever I sit down to a live game with this person I shall order a nice bottle of Burgundy for myself and offer him a glass of piss.
The only other thing to be included today is that Mrs. Snowman is almost certainly coming down with flu. Although part of me feels sorry for her there is another part that is absolutely delighted. She was very sweet and considerate in saying that she didn’t want to give it to me and I should therefore sleep on the sofa as all other available bedrooms are being used.
Even though I will still hear the snoring, I might get a full night sleep
Now all I have to hope is that no one looks above shoulder level before they go to bed.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $5.93
Unfortunately she considers me to be the kind of retarded offspring that the Victorians disowned, locked away in an asylum and tried to forget about as they were left to chew the straps on their straight jackets.
Usually when she asks me a question it’s confined to enquiring why I spend so much time on the Internet poker tables without winning any money or how I don’t consider myself a disgrace after getting stupendously drunk on such a regular basis.
Today I managed to do something that not only added to this notion but also probably confirmed it for good.
Prior to making my presence known at the poker tables with my usual display of incompetence, I decided that I would feel considerably brighter if I freshened up with a quick shower and shave before sitting down.
I put the plug in the sink, turned the taps on and grabbed my shaving gear from the bathroom cabinet. Just as I was about to start making myself look like something other than a disheveled werewolf the phone rang. I wrapped a towel around my waist and jogged down the stairs to answer it. Mrs. Snowman’s voice hit my eardrums with a request to get several items of food from the freezer, thereby insuring they de-frosted before she returned from work.
You’ll be delighted to hear I didn’t forget.
This would usually have been considered good news…apart from the fact that she kept me on the phone for so long that I forgot to turn the tap off in the bathroom.
An ominous dripping sound in the kitchen (located directly below the overflowing sink) gave me more than a slight hint of what had happened.
I strolled back up the stairs (six at a time), flung open the door and slid across the bathroom floor like an ice hockey puck. I would have gone for a considerable distance if there wasn’t a wall in the way to curtail my progress. After slopping to the sink I managed to turn the taps off and used every towel in the house to mop up the newly created water feature.
Not wanting to repeat a previous misdemeanor, I threw on some rudimentary clothes and went to survey the damage to the kitchen.
Other than a large puddle in the middle of the floor, it didn’t look too bad and half a pack of super absorbent kitchen roll soon solved the problem.
Until I looked up at the ceiling.
A large discolored circular watermark had developed above my head.
Clearly there was nothing I could do about this given the limited time frame before any females returned home but few people spend a lot of time gazing at ceilings, I might get away with it for a couple of days.
On reflection I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t anywhere near the light socket.
Tomorrow night when everyone else is safely in bed, I’ll get the paint out and give it a quick coat and with any luck mother-in-law will be none the wiser.
I hope.
Not wanting to give the impression that anything unusual had happened, I made sure I was staring intently into a laptop when Mrs. Snowman and mother-in-law returned home. To give this more credence, I decided on a quick 2c/15c game to sharpen my wits before the tournaments started. I bought $3 in chips and amazingly doubled my money within ninety minutes.
Filled with renewed confidence, I readied myself for the $3.30 tournament and battled my way though until the first break. As I was starting to drift down the field I thought it was time to get more aggressive and pushed hard with A-Q off and hit two pair on the flop. I called an all-in bet against a short stack and saw runner, runner make his flush with K-6 off. How he managed to call my raise with that crap I’ll never know. The very next hand I pushed all-in with pocket 6’s, hit trips on the flop and the same player called my all-in bet with fuck all and hit the flush for the second time in a row.
If ever I sit down to a live game with this person I shall order a nice bottle of Burgundy for myself and offer him a glass of piss.
The only other thing to be included today is that Mrs. Snowman is almost certainly coming down with flu. Although part of me feels sorry for her there is another part that is absolutely delighted. She was very sweet and considerate in saying that she didn’t want to give it to me and I should therefore sleep on the sofa as all other available bedrooms are being used.
Even though I will still hear the snoring, I might get a full night sleep
Now all I have to hope is that no one looks above shoulder level before they go to bed.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $5.93