Day 109
So far in this diary, in conjunction with my poker exploits, I have covered many aspects of modern life with varying degrees of failure but there’s one that has yet to be analysed with any measure of assiduousness.
I refer to a specific item within society that at some stage will, in one way or another, affect us all.
It tenuously relates to yesterdays post and I feel it should be addressed…
Women’s underwear.
I mention this now because the weather is gradually improving and Mrs. Snowman has begun to hang washing outside on the clothesline. The shirts and sweaters sway gently in the breeze but when the undergarments are hoisted up it looks like a line of navy signal flags flapping around in the wind.
Of course, this only correlates to the usual skimpy things owned by such females as my Dear Lady but there is another form of knickers that defy all reason and decency:
The ones worn by old ladies.
In no way am I being either sexist or disrespectful by mentioning this but they represent a phenomenon that transcends nationality, class structure and race. I was born into quite a poor family where we lived with my grandparents and great-aunt and remember these exact same items hanging on the washing lines of my childhood.
Over the intervening years I’ve never seen them on sale anywhere, I’ve never seen them advertised and, even after an extensive Internet search, I can’t find a company that manufactures them but my research leads me to believe they are prevalent all over the World.
Therefore I can come to the only logical conclusion that they’re handed down from mother to daughter over the generations.
This is a plausible hypothesis, as not only does it explain their absence from any kind of public availability but also makes clear why the design has remained unaltered for the last three hundred years.
The standard issue ones can’t be penetrated by a high calibre armour-piercing bullet whilst the really big ones can withstand the effects of a limpet mine being detonated inside them.
If I ever get involved in the aircraft industry I would insist they use them to make black box flight recorders. The material is indestructible.
Now, I’ve had the misfortune to go shopping with the wife when she’s bought undergarments for herself and none of the things she’s ever purchased even comes close to these legendary garments. In fact, they’re the exact opposite.
Miniscule pieces of semi-transparent triangular lace are held together by what amounts to coloured dental floss. And ladies, how do you get them on so quickly?
I would garrotte my buttocks and leave my testicles rolling around the floor like a couple of marbles if I tried to wear something as dangerous as that.
I must admit than when I’m faced with these things after my good lady has put them on, they look absolutely wonderful but pulling them back down again is like trying to untangle a fishing line with your bare hands.
It’s virtually impossible without getting injured.
The obvious technique is to hook your fingers into the stringy bits at the sides and, in a single movement tug them briskly in a southerly direction. However, as the really skimpy ones are like piano wire there’s also a real danger of getting your thumbs sliced off.
After many years of practice I’ve discovered the only safe method of removal is to use a pair of bolt cutters. Although this process sometimes breaks the romantic atmosphere, at least it ensures I wake up in the morning with all my digits still attached to my hands.
To use a contemporary phrase, today’s poker was also a load of pants. I’m sure my sponsor will be tearing out handfuls of hair but I decided to have a stab at three tournaments today: $11, $5.50 and finally $4.40. Needless to say I failed to make the money in any of them although I missed one by just 8 places. However, I also spent the intervening times on the Internet surfing for tips on how to improve my game.
One site in particular offered the assurance “we guarantee to increase your bank balance”. I have since read the entire thing several times and am now filled with renewed anticipation for tomorrow.
After all, this state of affairs can’t go on forever.
So, as I sign off for the day I leave you with this thought:
Underwear can provide all sorts of enjoyment possibilities if you’re prepared to be imaginative in its use.
If you put them on your head with the leg holes over your ears and the gusset covering your face, it’ll make you look exactly like Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly”.
Although you’ll be unable to see yourself wearing them in such a manner, you’ll have to trust me that it looks highly amusing.
I once took mine off and did it in front of the current Mrs. Snowman and she thought it was hilarious…although everyone else in the restaurant failed to see the joke.
Starting bank: $0
Current Bank: $48.04
I refer to a specific item within society that at some stage will, in one way or another, affect us all.
It tenuously relates to yesterdays post and I feel it should be addressed…
Women’s underwear.
I mention this now because the weather is gradually improving and Mrs. Snowman has begun to hang washing outside on the clothesline. The shirts and sweaters sway gently in the breeze but when the undergarments are hoisted up it looks like a line of navy signal flags flapping around in the wind.
Of course, this only correlates to the usual skimpy things owned by such females as my Dear Lady but there is another form of knickers that defy all reason and decency:
The ones worn by old ladies.
In no way am I being either sexist or disrespectful by mentioning this but they represent a phenomenon that transcends nationality, class structure and race. I was born into quite a poor family where we lived with my grandparents and great-aunt and remember these exact same items hanging on the washing lines of my childhood.
Over the intervening years I’ve never seen them on sale anywhere, I’ve never seen them advertised and, even after an extensive Internet search, I can’t find a company that manufactures them but my research leads me to believe they are prevalent all over the World.
Therefore I can come to the only logical conclusion that they’re handed down from mother to daughter over the generations.
This is a plausible hypothesis, as not only does it explain their absence from any kind of public availability but also makes clear why the design has remained unaltered for the last three hundred years.
The standard issue ones can’t be penetrated by a high calibre armour-piercing bullet whilst the really big ones can withstand the effects of a limpet mine being detonated inside them.
If I ever get involved in the aircraft industry I would insist they use them to make black box flight recorders. The material is indestructible.
Now, I’ve had the misfortune to go shopping with the wife when she’s bought undergarments for herself and none of the things she’s ever purchased even comes close to these legendary garments. In fact, they’re the exact opposite.
Miniscule pieces of semi-transparent triangular lace are held together by what amounts to coloured dental floss. And ladies, how do you get them on so quickly?
I would garrotte my buttocks and leave my testicles rolling around the floor like a couple of marbles if I tried to wear something as dangerous as that.
I must admit than when I’m faced with these things after my good lady has put them on, they look absolutely wonderful but pulling them back down again is like trying to untangle a fishing line with your bare hands.
It’s virtually impossible without getting injured.
The obvious technique is to hook your fingers into the stringy bits at the sides and, in a single movement tug them briskly in a southerly direction. However, as the really skimpy ones are like piano wire there’s also a real danger of getting your thumbs sliced off.
After many years of practice I’ve discovered the only safe method of removal is to use a pair of bolt cutters. Although this process sometimes breaks the romantic atmosphere, at least it ensures I wake up in the morning with all my digits still attached to my hands.
To use a contemporary phrase, today’s poker was also a load of pants. I’m sure my sponsor will be tearing out handfuls of hair but I decided to have a stab at three tournaments today: $11, $5.50 and finally $4.40. Needless to say I failed to make the money in any of them although I missed one by just 8 places. However, I also spent the intervening times on the Internet surfing for tips on how to improve my game.
One site in particular offered the assurance “we guarantee to increase your bank balance”. I have since read the entire thing several times and am now filled with renewed anticipation for tomorrow.
After all, this state of affairs can’t go on forever.
So, as I sign off for the day I leave you with this thought:
Underwear can provide all sorts of enjoyment possibilities if you’re prepared to be imaginative in its use.
If you put them on your head with the leg holes over your ears and the gusset covering your face, it’ll make you look exactly like Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly”.
Although you’ll be unable to see yourself wearing them in such a manner, you’ll have to trust me that it looks highly amusing.
I once took mine off and did it in front of the current Mrs. Snowman and she thought it was hilarious…although everyone else in the restaurant failed to see the joke.
Starting bank: $0
Current Bank: $48.04