Day 112
First thing this morning I resembled, well, a snowman really.
Although it’s edging towards mid-April, we found ourselves in the middle of what amounted to a blizzard.
Mrs. Snowman’s snoring had acquired an interesting new quality during the night whereby a previously standard snore developed a vibration so severe that it rattled around my head like someone had stuck a sex toy in my ear.
I would like to point out at this stage that no one has actually, at any stage in my life, shoved a dildo into any of my external cavities but it’s the closest analogy I could think of.
Maybe it’s because I had sausages for dinner.
Anyway, as there was no way I could get any sleep, I ended up downstairs finishing a couple of articles ahead of schedule and waiting for the wife to get up so that I could take her place in bed. The mother-in-law had to go to work early and was scurrying around while I was still tapping away on the keyboard.
She greeted me with an incoherent grunt and had no sooner left the house than she opened the door and wandered back in again.
Overnight there had been quite a severe downfall of snow leaving the entire area covered in a blanket of very slippery white stuff.
“It’s too dangerous for me to walk out there so you’ll have to take me to work in the car”
I pointed out that it was probably more perilous to drive on what was effectively a sheet of ice and she may therefore be more secure without the use of motorised transport.
“Nonsense, if you get hit by another car they’ll probably crash into the drivers side so it’s much safer for me than walking”
Oh great.
She wouldn’t be dissuaded so I shovelled a huge amount of snow from the car, defrosted it after turning the heater on full blast for ten minutes and left the engine running while I went back inside to get a couple of cigarettes for the journey.
It was now snowing with increased ferocity and as fast as I was removing it from one side it was piling up again on the other. It was also beginning to accumulate on me.
I looked like a cross between the Stay-Puff marshmallow man from ‘Ghostbusters’ and a polar bear.
Eventually we set off with the wheels spinning like a politicians PR agent and skidded gracefully down the road. Immediately the mother-in-law screamed at me to slow down and was only happy when our speed had been reduced to about three miles per hour.
After what seemed like an eternity, she was dropped off and I roared off at a far less sedate speed. Listening to the morning news on the car radio, I was not surprised to hear that most of the country had come to a complete standstill.
I also took the precaution of parking the car on the road rather than back in the driveway, as there was a very good chance that Mrs. Snowman would try and reverse at her usual speed and crash into the wall again.
Needless to say I decided against retrieving mother-in-law and talked the wife into getting her, even though the snow had completely thawed by this time.
Small Child had the pleasure of experiencing snow for the first time and seemed somewhat perplexed by it. Surrogate daughter gave her a flowerpot so that she could make shapes out of it. I gave her a shovel in the hope she might bury herself.
I also managed to bury myself at the tables today.
As my exploits over the past couple of weeks have been quite dire, I chose to pay for just two tournaments today ($4.40 and $2.20), not least because I had my place reserved for the hundred grand event after winning the qualifier a couple of days ago.
I wish I could report my scintillating form had been repeated today but sadly I can’t. I warmed up for the big game by losing to pocket 7’s against my K-Q suited and then A-K to A-J when a Jack showed up on the river.
The Hundred Grand game started and I figured my bad beats were over for the day.
Wrong.
Six hands into the game and I found myself staring down at pocket Aces. A donk went all-in prior to the flop and I had no option but to call. I was delighted to see 10-J suited right up until the ‘turn’ gave him a flush and I was eliminated to a hail of screaming and swearing at the screen.
I rejected the option of launching the laptop through the patio doors and opted instead for half a bottle of Southern Comfort.
The other thing relating to the weather conditions today was something that every male reader will appreciate and can only happen when specific ground conditions occur.
I was able to stand in the back garden, unzip my trousers and write my name in the snow while having a piss.
Although I tried to write my full name all I managed was a big “S”…with a full stop after it caused by a drip.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $8.54
Although it’s edging towards mid-April, we found ourselves in the middle of what amounted to a blizzard.
Mrs. Snowman’s snoring had acquired an interesting new quality during the night whereby a previously standard snore developed a vibration so severe that it rattled around my head like someone had stuck a sex toy in my ear.
I would like to point out at this stage that no one has actually, at any stage in my life, shoved a dildo into any of my external cavities but it’s the closest analogy I could think of.
Maybe it’s because I had sausages for dinner.
Anyway, as there was no way I could get any sleep, I ended up downstairs finishing a couple of articles ahead of schedule and waiting for the wife to get up so that I could take her place in bed. The mother-in-law had to go to work early and was scurrying around while I was still tapping away on the keyboard.
She greeted me with an incoherent grunt and had no sooner left the house than she opened the door and wandered back in again.
Overnight there had been quite a severe downfall of snow leaving the entire area covered in a blanket of very slippery white stuff.
“It’s too dangerous for me to walk out there so you’ll have to take me to work in the car”
I pointed out that it was probably more perilous to drive on what was effectively a sheet of ice and she may therefore be more secure without the use of motorised transport.
“Nonsense, if you get hit by another car they’ll probably crash into the drivers side so it’s much safer for me than walking”
Oh great.
She wouldn’t be dissuaded so I shovelled a huge amount of snow from the car, defrosted it after turning the heater on full blast for ten minutes and left the engine running while I went back inside to get a couple of cigarettes for the journey.
It was now snowing with increased ferocity and as fast as I was removing it from one side it was piling up again on the other. It was also beginning to accumulate on me.
I looked like a cross between the Stay-Puff marshmallow man from ‘Ghostbusters’ and a polar bear.
Eventually we set off with the wheels spinning like a politicians PR agent and skidded gracefully down the road. Immediately the mother-in-law screamed at me to slow down and was only happy when our speed had been reduced to about three miles per hour.
After what seemed like an eternity, she was dropped off and I roared off at a far less sedate speed. Listening to the morning news on the car radio, I was not surprised to hear that most of the country had come to a complete standstill.
I also took the precaution of parking the car on the road rather than back in the driveway, as there was a very good chance that Mrs. Snowman would try and reverse at her usual speed and crash into the wall again.
Needless to say I decided against retrieving mother-in-law and talked the wife into getting her, even though the snow had completely thawed by this time.
Small Child had the pleasure of experiencing snow for the first time and seemed somewhat perplexed by it. Surrogate daughter gave her a flowerpot so that she could make shapes out of it. I gave her a shovel in the hope she might bury herself.
I also managed to bury myself at the tables today.
As my exploits over the past couple of weeks have been quite dire, I chose to pay for just two tournaments today ($4.40 and $2.20), not least because I had my place reserved for the hundred grand event after winning the qualifier a couple of days ago.
I wish I could report my scintillating form had been repeated today but sadly I can’t. I warmed up for the big game by losing to pocket 7’s against my K-Q suited and then A-K to A-J when a Jack showed up on the river.
The Hundred Grand game started and I figured my bad beats were over for the day.
Wrong.
Six hands into the game and I found myself staring down at pocket Aces. A donk went all-in prior to the flop and I had no option but to call. I was delighted to see 10-J suited right up until the ‘turn’ gave him a flush and I was eliminated to a hail of screaming and swearing at the screen.
I rejected the option of launching the laptop through the patio doors and opted instead for half a bottle of Southern Comfort.
The other thing relating to the weather conditions today was something that every male reader will appreciate and can only happen when specific ground conditions occur.
I was able to stand in the back garden, unzip my trousers and write my name in the snow while having a piss.
Although I tried to write my full name all I managed was a big “S”…with a full stop after it caused by a drip.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $8.54