Day 114
I’m in pain.
Of course, for those of us who are married, “pain” is a subjective concept but this is not what I’m referring to.
A few years ago I found myself lying on a bed for several days in excruciating pain, unable to move more than a few inches without screaming. Before you think it was some kind of kinky sex game, I’d like to assure it wasn’t…well, not on that occasion anyway.
It was sciatica.
For the unenlightened, sciatica is a condition that affects the lower back where a disc has dislocated from the spinal column and moved against the sciatic nerve, or to give it the correct medical term:
Fucking painful.
Every once in a while it re-occurs and incapacitates me for a few days.
Today was such a day.
You may be asking yourself if I’d over-exerted myself during a prolonged period of manual labour or injured myself during a sporting confrontation.
Nope…I sneezed.
It may have been an unusually violent sneeze but it was sufficient to keep me prone for the entire day. I’ve since swallowed enough painkillers to subdue an elephant but am still in agony. This was manifested this afternoon when I needed to use the toilet.
I slowly rattled my way to the bathroom and after a certain amount of painful maneuvering managed to sit down on the bog. I can now state with absolute certainty that even the mildest case of constipation in conjunction with a back problem will ensure the sufferer leaves teeth marks in the door handle.
Using the toilet paper afterwards wasn’t a barrel of laughs either.
If I have to go again, someone will probably have to peel me from the ceiling.
Although the current Mrs. Snowman showed me a degree of empathy by providing a steady stream of drinks and snacks throughout the day, the mother-in-law was in no mood for such compassion. The most sympathetic contribution she could offer was when she stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted to me:
“Get up you malingering bugger!”
I gave her my response in kind when she used the bathroom immediately after my occupation and I forgot to flush the toilet.
I can also inform you that it hurts like hell when I laugh.
My current condition also caused a slight misunderstanding with the wife.
Even though drugs help with the pain, the only solution I’ve found over the years is to get a really good sports masseuse or an osteopath to manipulate my back for a while and gently massage the offending bone back into place.
This can take a couple of hours at the hands of a skilled exponent and can be very expensive but it’s worth every penny.
The problem happened when I mentioned to her that I required the Yellow Pages to locate a visiting massage service. When the screaming subsided, I explained that I didn’t really want the services of a prostitute, unless she could find one with a degree in medicine. She eventually admitted it was a point of confusion on her part although she did consider her initial reaction of throwing a pillow at me was justified.
Mind you, I may put off visiting a medical masseuse for a couple of days and see how far I can push the mother-in-law until she cracks.
As I lie here writing today’s entry, I’m still thinking of ways I can torment her to breaking point. Tomorrow may involve some hugely unreasonable demands to help me in and out of bed with increasing frequency under one pretext or another. I’ve already asked Mrs. Snowman to make one of her curries tonight and I suspect a sweetly worded request for her to wipe my arse after an inevitably fierce shit will finally push her over the edge.
I’m almost certain she won’t revert to violence.
I only entered one tournament today, as it was extremely difficult to rest the laptop on my knees, use the mouse and simultaneously scream in pain. As my funds are running very, very low I turned my attention once more to the freerolls. You won’t be surprised that I was knocked out by a donkey with an Ace on the river over my pocket Jacks.
Maybe I should be used to this sort of thing by now.
Next week my funds will be replenished by my ever-faithful sponsor so things should revert to some kind of normality…well, as normal as things ever get when I sit down at a table.
Having been confined to my bed all day I was forced to watch a tremendous amount of television, some of which was a CNN broadcast we are able to receive in the UK. While viewing this channel I have finally realized that George Bush comes from another planet. It was during a television address that he let it slip. He even told everyone the name of the planet he comes from.
It’s a place called “Murrka”
Next time you hear him speak you’ll see what I mean as soon as he starts…
“…my fellow Murrkans”
Listening to the entire speech was almost as painful as having a bad back.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $4.14
Of course, for those of us who are married, “pain” is a subjective concept but this is not what I’m referring to.
A few years ago I found myself lying on a bed for several days in excruciating pain, unable to move more than a few inches without screaming. Before you think it was some kind of kinky sex game, I’d like to assure it wasn’t…well, not on that occasion anyway.
It was sciatica.
For the unenlightened, sciatica is a condition that affects the lower back where a disc has dislocated from the spinal column and moved against the sciatic nerve, or to give it the correct medical term:
Fucking painful.
Every once in a while it re-occurs and incapacitates me for a few days.
Today was such a day.
You may be asking yourself if I’d over-exerted myself during a prolonged period of manual labour or injured myself during a sporting confrontation.
Nope…I sneezed.
It may have been an unusually violent sneeze but it was sufficient to keep me prone for the entire day. I’ve since swallowed enough painkillers to subdue an elephant but am still in agony. This was manifested this afternoon when I needed to use the toilet.
I slowly rattled my way to the bathroom and after a certain amount of painful maneuvering managed to sit down on the bog. I can now state with absolute certainty that even the mildest case of constipation in conjunction with a back problem will ensure the sufferer leaves teeth marks in the door handle.
Using the toilet paper afterwards wasn’t a barrel of laughs either.
If I have to go again, someone will probably have to peel me from the ceiling.
Although the current Mrs. Snowman showed me a degree of empathy by providing a steady stream of drinks and snacks throughout the day, the mother-in-law was in no mood for such compassion. The most sympathetic contribution she could offer was when she stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted to me:
“Get up you malingering bugger!”
I gave her my response in kind when she used the bathroom immediately after my occupation and I forgot to flush the toilet.
I can also inform you that it hurts like hell when I laugh.
My current condition also caused a slight misunderstanding with the wife.
Even though drugs help with the pain, the only solution I’ve found over the years is to get a really good sports masseuse or an osteopath to manipulate my back for a while and gently massage the offending bone back into place.
This can take a couple of hours at the hands of a skilled exponent and can be very expensive but it’s worth every penny.
The problem happened when I mentioned to her that I required the Yellow Pages to locate a visiting massage service. When the screaming subsided, I explained that I didn’t really want the services of a prostitute, unless she could find one with a degree in medicine. She eventually admitted it was a point of confusion on her part although she did consider her initial reaction of throwing a pillow at me was justified.
Mind you, I may put off visiting a medical masseuse for a couple of days and see how far I can push the mother-in-law until she cracks.
As I lie here writing today’s entry, I’m still thinking of ways I can torment her to breaking point. Tomorrow may involve some hugely unreasonable demands to help me in and out of bed with increasing frequency under one pretext or another. I’ve already asked Mrs. Snowman to make one of her curries tonight and I suspect a sweetly worded request for her to wipe my arse after an inevitably fierce shit will finally push her over the edge.
I’m almost certain she won’t revert to violence.
I only entered one tournament today, as it was extremely difficult to rest the laptop on my knees, use the mouse and simultaneously scream in pain. As my funds are running very, very low I turned my attention once more to the freerolls. You won’t be surprised that I was knocked out by a donkey with an Ace on the river over my pocket Jacks.
Maybe I should be used to this sort of thing by now.
Next week my funds will be replenished by my ever-faithful sponsor so things should revert to some kind of normality…well, as normal as things ever get when I sit down at a table.
Having been confined to my bed all day I was forced to watch a tremendous amount of television, some of which was a CNN broadcast we are able to receive in the UK. While viewing this channel I have finally realized that George Bush comes from another planet. It was during a television address that he let it slip. He even told everyone the name of the planet he comes from.
It’s a place called “Murrka”
Next time you hear him speak you’ll see what I mean as soon as he starts…
“…my fellow Murrkans”
Listening to the entire speech was almost as painful as having a bad back.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $4.14
