Day 119
Today I decided to take a break from poker and, after jotting down a few ideas for a magazine article that should have been submitted last week, opened a couple of bottles of assistance and spent a few quiet hours surfing the Internet.
You may remember last time I embarked on anything like this I ended up receiving some very questionable letters regarding the sexual habits of blue whales.
You’ll be relieved to hear this was not a subject I visited for a second time but I have discovered several other valuable additions to my education.
All are true and obtained from government statistics.
For example, last year in the UK, six people were admitted to hospital with scorpion bites.
As the scorpion is not indigenous to these shores, one can only assume they were pets of those on the receiving end of some rather urgent medical treatment.
From personal experience I know the perils of having an animal in the house. I only have to cast my mind back to the cat to realize this, but the distance between having a feline wandering around the carpet and a scorpion scuttling about can be measured in light years. If I tickle a cat under the chin and it doesn’t like it I might get scratched. If I try the same with something that can fight back with a lethal sting the effects would probably be slightly more permanent.
After all, what did they expect? It’s a fucking scorpion!
You may be thinking this was an odd thing to find being treated in an English hospital but there were also dangers in the very act of being admitted.
One hundred and thirty-eight people had to undergo surgery for the removal of foreign objects from their bodies.
In itself this would be questionable but not unusual, except the “foreign objects” were pieces of “surgical equipment and other items” left in there after a previous operation.
The most worrying aspect of this is the word “other”.
You’d have to question the competence of a physician that lost a scalpel or clamp inside of a body but to deposit something completely unconnected with medicine is a turd of a different colour.
Picture the scene in a modern theatre as the operation is being concluded:
The surgeon snaps off his sterile gloves and thanks his team.
“Ok nurse, you can stitch him up now. Good work everyone”
“Thank you doctor, what time is the next one due to be wheeled in?”
The doctor stops momentarily, glances to his wrist and then very quickly back to the patient.
“Er…oh shit”.
As I pointed out at the beginning of today’s entry, I thought it was a good idea to take a day off from the cards so as to re-charge my batteries and reflect on how I could improve my crap poker skills to something that would provide some kind of financial return.
I must admit, by the end of the day I was showing withdrawal symptoms that came to a head when the current Mrs. Snowman asked what I would like for dinner and I immediately responded.
“An Ace flush with fries please”
Her reply of “…for God’s sake get a life” was justified.
So I did, I went back to learning more about hospital admissions from the Internet that I’m happy to share with you.
Twenty-two people were rushed to the Emergency Room with wounds sustained from “ignition or melting of nightwear”.
Presumably this was the result of carelessly discarded cigarette or faulty electric blanket rather than friction caused by a frenzied bout of sexual activity; either with or without something that requires batteries.
Although that one was fairly easy to work out, I still haven’t deduced how a child got an ambulance ride for “a prolonged stay in a weightless environment”.
Some of these may be exceptionally unusual but they are lost in the shade of the incident of the young gentleman who was admitted with “severe lacerations to the penis”.
Usually this would be a reason for a great deal of sympathy until you realize how the injury occurred.
He’d made a vagina out of Lego bricks…and used it.
Briefly.
I’ve heard of making new friends but that really is taking things a step too far.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $1.08
You may remember last time I embarked on anything like this I ended up receiving some very questionable letters regarding the sexual habits of blue whales.
You’ll be relieved to hear this was not a subject I visited for a second time but I have discovered several other valuable additions to my education.
All are true and obtained from government statistics.
For example, last year in the UK, six people were admitted to hospital with scorpion bites.
As the scorpion is not indigenous to these shores, one can only assume they were pets of those on the receiving end of some rather urgent medical treatment.
From personal experience I know the perils of having an animal in the house. I only have to cast my mind back to the cat to realize this, but the distance between having a feline wandering around the carpet and a scorpion scuttling about can be measured in light years. If I tickle a cat under the chin and it doesn’t like it I might get scratched. If I try the same with something that can fight back with a lethal sting the effects would probably be slightly more permanent.
After all, what did they expect? It’s a fucking scorpion!
You may be thinking this was an odd thing to find being treated in an English hospital but there were also dangers in the very act of being admitted.
One hundred and thirty-eight people had to undergo surgery for the removal of foreign objects from their bodies.
In itself this would be questionable but not unusual, except the “foreign objects” were pieces of “surgical equipment and other items” left in there after a previous operation.
The most worrying aspect of this is the word “other”.
You’d have to question the competence of a physician that lost a scalpel or clamp inside of a body but to deposit something completely unconnected with medicine is a turd of a different colour.
Picture the scene in a modern theatre as the operation is being concluded:
The surgeon snaps off his sterile gloves and thanks his team.
“Ok nurse, you can stitch him up now. Good work everyone”
“Thank you doctor, what time is the next one due to be wheeled in?”
The doctor stops momentarily, glances to his wrist and then very quickly back to the patient.
“Er…oh shit”.
As I pointed out at the beginning of today’s entry, I thought it was a good idea to take a day off from the cards so as to re-charge my batteries and reflect on how I could improve my crap poker skills to something that would provide some kind of financial return.
I must admit, by the end of the day I was showing withdrawal symptoms that came to a head when the current Mrs. Snowman asked what I would like for dinner and I immediately responded.
“An Ace flush with fries please”
Her reply of “…for God’s sake get a life” was justified.
So I did, I went back to learning more about hospital admissions from the Internet that I’m happy to share with you.
Twenty-two people were rushed to the Emergency Room with wounds sustained from “ignition or melting of nightwear”.
Presumably this was the result of carelessly discarded cigarette or faulty electric blanket rather than friction caused by a frenzied bout of sexual activity; either with or without something that requires batteries.
Although that one was fairly easy to work out, I still haven’t deduced how a child got an ambulance ride for “a prolonged stay in a weightless environment”.
Some of these may be exceptionally unusual but they are lost in the shade of the incident of the young gentleman who was admitted with “severe lacerations to the penis”.
Usually this would be a reason for a great deal of sympathy until you realize how the injury occurred.
He’d made a vagina out of Lego bricks…and used it.
Briefly.
I’ve heard of making new friends but that really is taking things a step too far.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $1.08