Day 143
Previously in these pages we’ve discussed my dislike for soccer.
You may recall that rather than the game itself being the source of my loathing, it’s the actions of the players I find objectionable; and joy of joys, the European Football Championships started today.
…and regardless of how hard I try, I can’t get away from it.
It’s either continually mentioned on every radio and television channel in the northern hemisphere or the games are broadcast live.
Furthermore, both the current Mrs. Snowman and her mother are fanatical about the game and insist that every single second of the tournament is watched. To ensure they don’t inadvertently miss any of the action, all televisions in the house seem to be tuned to whatever channels are showing the games.
No manner of reasoned argument can alter their position one iota so I conceded defeat and sat down with a large Southern Comfort to watch the opening ceremony.
My curiosity may have been slightly stirred if England was participating but as we have a stunningly crap national team and heroically failed to qualify I have no interest whatsoever.
And it goes on for three weeks.
It’s being jointly hosted by Austria and Switzerland so unsurprisingly things will probably run with smooth precision.
As an Englishman I am in two minds how to feel about this. Half of me is consumed with envy knowing they will provide a flawless three week tournament while the other half is smugly satisfied they have no chance of fucking it up with the panache and flair the UK would have managed if FIFA were stupid enough to award the games to us.
They even made the wise choice of ensuring the initial razzamatazz was a thankfully short affair before everyone got down to the actual business of playing the inaugural match.
Very often the viewing public has to sit through hours of preliminary bullshit but the hosts would have none of it.
After this prudent decision I was expecting a mildly dull initial game but my expectations were incorrect.
There was nothing mild about it…it was mind crushingly boring.
I’ve therefore come up with an idea that will not only liven up an otherwise mundane event but is also certain to introduce a far higher level of entertainment over the coming weeks.
Rather than have both teams play ninety minutes in football kit, they should dress up in national costume.
I can’t wait to see the Austrian team celebrate their first goal wearing lederhosen and shiny back shoes. They’d be slapping their thighs and kicking their heels in the air as soon as the ball hits the back of the net with their rejoicing only interrupted by the odd yodel or two.
The Greek team would all be wearing pleated knee-length pantaloons and curly-toed shoes with bobbles on the end and stand in a long line across the penalty area with their arms around each other’s shoulders while simultaneously bouncing up and down to the sound of a folk music.
This is of course theoretical, as Greece has virtually no chance of actually scoring, with the possible exception of putting one past their own goalkeeper.
The French on the other hand would all be wearing berets and whenever they score a goal; they’d dive on their teammates and passionately kiss each other in an orgiastic frenzy of sexual machismo.
…so no change there.
You also won’t be at all surprised to hear there was no change in my poker exploits today. As my funds are becoming depleted to a worrying level, I decided it might be sensible to opt for just a couple of very low-level stakes tournaments rather than putting all my eggs into one basket and having a stab at one higher value event.
The $2.20 game went quite well until I called a re-raise with pocket Kings against the chip leader the flop came down K-10-9 rainbow and I pushed all-in. I somehow knew I was in trouble when he showed Q-8 suited.
Sure enough, he got his miracle runner, runner to complete the straight and I left the tournament with just a $1.21 profit.
I won’t trouble you with the details of my $0.50 game as I went out on the third hand with A-K and lost to pocket 9’s.
I might try the alternative strategy tomorrow and fling the remainder of my cash into a single game. I’ll let you know.
So even though it was a generally unsuccessful day, there was a small point that brightened it up. During the football half-time break a roving television reporter tried to interview some of the fans outside the stadium who were unable to obtain tickets.
In the background, three female fans simultaneously lifted up their tops and exposed their breasts to an appreciative audience.
Which gives me an idea to liven up the female tournament…
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $14.01
You may recall that rather than the game itself being the source of my loathing, it’s the actions of the players I find objectionable; and joy of joys, the European Football Championships started today.
…and regardless of how hard I try, I can’t get away from it.
It’s either continually mentioned on every radio and television channel in the northern hemisphere or the games are broadcast live.
Furthermore, both the current Mrs. Snowman and her mother are fanatical about the game and insist that every single second of the tournament is watched. To ensure they don’t inadvertently miss any of the action, all televisions in the house seem to be tuned to whatever channels are showing the games.
No manner of reasoned argument can alter their position one iota so I conceded defeat and sat down with a large Southern Comfort to watch the opening ceremony.
My curiosity may have been slightly stirred if England was participating but as we have a stunningly crap national team and heroically failed to qualify I have no interest whatsoever.
And it goes on for three weeks.
It’s being jointly hosted by Austria and Switzerland so unsurprisingly things will probably run with smooth precision.
As an Englishman I am in two minds how to feel about this. Half of me is consumed with envy knowing they will provide a flawless three week tournament while the other half is smugly satisfied they have no chance of fucking it up with the panache and flair the UK would have managed if FIFA were stupid enough to award the games to us.
They even made the wise choice of ensuring the initial razzamatazz was a thankfully short affair before everyone got down to the actual business of playing the inaugural match.
Very often the viewing public has to sit through hours of preliminary bullshit but the hosts would have none of it.
After this prudent decision I was expecting a mildly dull initial game but my expectations were incorrect.
There was nothing mild about it…it was mind crushingly boring.
I’ve therefore come up with an idea that will not only liven up an otherwise mundane event but is also certain to introduce a far higher level of entertainment over the coming weeks.
Rather than have both teams play ninety minutes in football kit, they should dress up in national costume.
I can’t wait to see the Austrian team celebrate their first goal wearing lederhosen and shiny back shoes. They’d be slapping their thighs and kicking their heels in the air as soon as the ball hits the back of the net with their rejoicing only interrupted by the odd yodel or two.
The Greek team would all be wearing pleated knee-length pantaloons and curly-toed shoes with bobbles on the end and stand in a long line across the penalty area with their arms around each other’s shoulders while simultaneously bouncing up and down to the sound of a folk music.
This is of course theoretical, as Greece has virtually no chance of actually scoring, with the possible exception of putting one past their own goalkeeper.
The French on the other hand would all be wearing berets and whenever they score a goal; they’d dive on their teammates and passionately kiss each other in an orgiastic frenzy of sexual machismo.
…so no change there.
You also won’t be at all surprised to hear there was no change in my poker exploits today. As my funds are becoming depleted to a worrying level, I decided it might be sensible to opt for just a couple of very low-level stakes tournaments rather than putting all my eggs into one basket and having a stab at one higher value event.
The $2.20 game went quite well until I called a re-raise with pocket Kings against the chip leader the flop came down K-10-9 rainbow and I pushed all-in. I somehow knew I was in trouble when he showed Q-8 suited.
Sure enough, he got his miracle runner, runner to complete the straight and I left the tournament with just a $1.21 profit.
I won’t trouble you with the details of my $0.50 game as I went out on the third hand with A-K and lost to pocket 9’s.
I might try the alternative strategy tomorrow and fling the remainder of my cash into a single game. I’ll let you know.
So even though it was a generally unsuccessful day, there was a small point that brightened it up. During the football half-time break a roving television reporter tried to interview some of the fans outside the stadium who were unable to obtain tickets.
In the background, three female fans simultaneously lifted up their tops and exposed their breasts to an appreciative audience.
Which gives me an idea to liven up the female tournament…
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $14.01