Day 147
Having reduced my poker account to practically zero, I thought it a reasonable idea to take a break from cards for twenty four hours and relax.
Obviously finding complete relaxation in the Snowman household is tantamount to discovering a unicorn in a cheese sandwich, but there are two factors that at least put me in with a chance. Firstly I’m able to lock myself in the bedroom and secondly I’m smoking again.
Even though Small Child did its best to disrupt the air of calm with a series of screams pukes and audible farts, I also took the additional step of calling on the services of my MP3 player. With Domenico Scarlatti harpsichord sonatas resonating in my ears there was little chance of any major disturbances coming from little mouths.
This gave me the opportunity to surf a few web sites and increase my meagre general knowledge base. I thought it best to steer clear of anything concerning blue whales or gorillas as we don’t want a repeat of what happened last time and headed instead for sites of universal interest.
Last time I did this and imparted my findings in these pages the responses were quite positive…so, here we go again…
A pig’s orgasm lasts for up to half an hour.
Now, I’m sure this is vital information to someone but for the life of me I can’t figure out who it could be. To discover this attribute the unfortunate animal must have been decked out with a host of electrodes and monitors before it was prodded into a room prior to being introduced to the porcine equivalent of Pamela Anderson. Either a group of scientists then sat down and watched the beast going at it through a two-way mirror (which would be taking voyeurism to a particularly revolting extreme) or one of them…well…er…found out in a more direct way. From any angle it’s not good.
Literally.
The space between your eyebrows is called the “glabella”.
I remembered this one because of the discussion I had with Mrs. Snowman about it. As we sat down to dinner the conversation moved to Surrogate Daughter and I offered the suggestion that the space between her ears was called the “vacuum”. A warning shot came in the form of a kick in the shins under the table for that one.
However, her reaction was far more direct (she threw a boiled potato at me) when I suggested the space between a woman’s backside and her vagina is called the “chin rest”.
“Axillism” is the medical name for having sex with your armpit.
I can only presume this refers to having sex with someone else’s armpit as you’d have to be the supplest contortionist in the World to do it to your own.
I know, I tried.
Even if you lie on the bed and swing your legs over your head you still can’t drop your shoulder down far enough to make contact with your groin. I then had a go at propping my head with a pillow to see if that would help but only found myself staring directly at the fuselage area of my testicles.
Eyeball to eyeball as it were.
The Yanomami, an Indian tribe in South America, use farting as a greeting.
I can’t begin to tell you how delighted I was to discover this one. These wonderful people who live in the Amazonian rain forests of Brazil and Venezuela consider it the height of etiquette to welcome each other by letting one go. After one of Mrs. Snowman’s curries I’d be the friendliest person they’d ever met.
It makes perfect sense to me. Be honest, if you ever had the opportunity to meet someone like George Bush face-to-face can you honestly say you wouldn’t want to grip your knees and squeeze one out?
Personally I’d wait until I met Prince Charles.
“Good afternoon your Majesty…pull this”
And finally…female turtles can breathe through their arseholes.
Sometimes further comments just aren’t needed.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.01
Obviously finding complete relaxation in the Snowman household is tantamount to discovering a unicorn in a cheese sandwich, but there are two factors that at least put me in with a chance. Firstly I’m able to lock myself in the bedroom and secondly I’m smoking again.
Even though Small Child did its best to disrupt the air of calm with a series of screams pukes and audible farts, I also took the additional step of calling on the services of my MP3 player. With Domenico Scarlatti harpsichord sonatas resonating in my ears there was little chance of any major disturbances coming from little mouths.
This gave me the opportunity to surf a few web sites and increase my meagre general knowledge base. I thought it best to steer clear of anything concerning blue whales or gorillas as we don’t want a repeat of what happened last time and headed instead for sites of universal interest.
Last time I did this and imparted my findings in these pages the responses were quite positive…so, here we go again…
A pig’s orgasm lasts for up to half an hour.
Now, I’m sure this is vital information to someone but for the life of me I can’t figure out who it could be. To discover this attribute the unfortunate animal must have been decked out with a host of electrodes and monitors before it was prodded into a room prior to being introduced to the porcine equivalent of Pamela Anderson. Either a group of scientists then sat down and watched the beast going at it through a two-way mirror (which would be taking voyeurism to a particularly revolting extreme) or one of them…well…er…found out in a more direct way. From any angle it’s not good.
Literally.
The space between your eyebrows is called the “glabella”.
I remembered this one because of the discussion I had with Mrs. Snowman about it. As we sat down to dinner the conversation moved to Surrogate Daughter and I offered the suggestion that the space between her ears was called the “vacuum”. A warning shot came in the form of a kick in the shins under the table for that one.
However, her reaction was far more direct (she threw a boiled potato at me) when I suggested the space between a woman’s backside and her vagina is called the “chin rest”.
“Axillism” is the medical name for having sex with your armpit.
I can only presume this refers to having sex with someone else’s armpit as you’d have to be the supplest contortionist in the World to do it to your own.
I know, I tried.
Even if you lie on the bed and swing your legs over your head you still can’t drop your shoulder down far enough to make contact with your groin. I then had a go at propping my head with a pillow to see if that would help but only found myself staring directly at the fuselage area of my testicles.
Eyeball to eyeball as it were.
The Yanomami, an Indian tribe in South America, use farting as a greeting.
I can’t begin to tell you how delighted I was to discover this one. These wonderful people who live in the Amazonian rain forests of Brazil and Venezuela consider it the height of etiquette to welcome each other by letting one go. After one of Mrs. Snowman’s curries I’d be the friendliest person they’d ever met.
It makes perfect sense to me. Be honest, if you ever had the opportunity to meet someone like George Bush face-to-face can you honestly say you wouldn’t want to grip your knees and squeeze one out?
Personally I’d wait until I met Prince Charles.
“Good afternoon your Majesty…pull this”
And finally…female turtles can breathe through their arseholes.
Sometimes further comments just aren’t needed.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.01
