Day 154
I’ve won the lottery!
Obviously I haven’t scooped the main prize and become a multi-millionaire overnight but I did get £10. This didn’t give me the opportunity to spend the rest of my life in abject luxury in a country away from small children, cats and mother-in-laws but it did give me a very nice day out.
You may not consider £10 sufficient to achieve this but with the help of a particularly devious and amenable friend it was more than enough.
About five miles from Casa Snowman there is the automotive equivalent of male heaven…an independent sports car dealership where the cheapest vehicle is a Ferrari 308; and the friend in question works there.
Yes, with a sly word or two in the ear of the sales manager to expect a lottery winner sometime during the day, they brushed the dead bugs off their red carpet and awaited the arrival of the fortunate individual.
Me.
I must admit I was expecting to turn up in the showroom, get a jolly pat on the shoulder followed very quickly by a friendly dressing down about practical jokes involving several million dollars worth of Italian horsepower. To this end I put on a pair of my questionably patched jeans, a Sex Pistols t-shirt and gave my beard a fresh coating of blue hair dye.
This should have been adequate to alert them of the ruse but when I shuffled in I was greeted with the enthusiasm of George Bush at a convention of village idiots.
Obviously my appearance wasn’t going to put the salesman off a potentially huge sale so I decided to drag it out and see how far I could push him by pointing to a beautiful Aston Martin DB6.
“That looks quite nice”
“You have excellent taste Sir, she’s only recently undergone an entire rebuild and as you can see is in concourse condition”
A small amount of small talk followed as I stroked the leatherwork and patted the wings but it wasn’t long before his curiosity finally got the better of him.
“So how much did you win Sir?”
“Er…ten”
Presuming I was referring to millions rather than single digits, the sparkle in his eyes increased in intensity and he skilfully guided me towards something more expensive.
At this point I was in two minds as to whether I should come clean or make a grovelling excuse and bolt for the door.
He made it up for me by opening the driver’s door, ushering me behind the steering wheel and announcing he’d be back shortly with the keys.
This time it was my turn to make a difficult choice. I could easily say “thanks very much” and leave but to be honest it’s not every day I get the chance to drive a Pagani Zonda. I must confess to you Dear Reader, I was overcome by a moment of weakness when he sat in the passenger seat and inserted the ignition key.
“Ok, let’s take her out for a spin”
For any of you that happen to have a few hundred grand lying around under your mattress I can recommend this astonishing vehicle in the most glowing terms. I shall not bore you with details of its speed, handling and ride quality, suffice to say it nearly pushed my intestines through my arsehole when I pressed the accelerator.
Under the circumstances it was quite awkward telling my passenger I didn’t like the car so had to come up with something relatively believable.
To cut a long story short I talked my out of the predicament with the simple expedient of saying I’d prefer a Lamborghini (noticing they didn’t have one in the showroom) and leaving a defunct e-mail address for them to contact me when one became available.
You’d think with this kind of brazen effrontery I’d sail through a couple of 10cent games and dramatically increase by bankroll.
Unfortunately I lost two consecutive hands with A-K and pocket Jacks before exiting faster than the car I’d been in this afternoon. The second game was slightly better in that I busted out with pocket Queens. Either way I’m still below a dollar so will have to re-focus my efforts tomorrow.
Some chance.
So, as I relaxed for the evening I considered the sad fact that I’ll never own a vehicle like the one I took out today but did notice an interesting fact. Some very attractive young ladies took the trouble to give me a second glance when I driving around. With that in mind I have a marketing suggestion for any car designers that may be reading this.
Next time you bring out a new model why not give it a name that will reflect the intention of the purchaser? To this end I’ve got a great one for you:
The Ford Fellatio.
I’ve even come up with a tag line:
“The Fellatio, it’ll blow your socks off”
Snappy eh?
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.75
Obviously I haven’t scooped the main prize and become a multi-millionaire overnight but I did get £10. This didn’t give me the opportunity to spend the rest of my life in abject luxury in a country away from small children, cats and mother-in-laws but it did give me a very nice day out.
You may not consider £10 sufficient to achieve this but with the help of a particularly devious and amenable friend it was more than enough.
About five miles from Casa Snowman there is the automotive equivalent of male heaven…an independent sports car dealership where the cheapest vehicle is a Ferrari 308; and the friend in question works there.
Yes, with a sly word or two in the ear of the sales manager to expect a lottery winner sometime during the day, they brushed the dead bugs off their red carpet and awaited the arrival of the fortunate individual.
Me.
I must admit I was expecting to turn up in the showroom, get a jolly pat on the shoulder followed very quickly by a friendly dressing down about practical jokes involving several million dollars worth of Italian horsepower. To this end I put on a pair of my questionably patched jeans, a Sex Pistols t-shirt and gave my beard a fresh coating of blue hair dye.
This should have been adequate to alert them of the ruse but when I shuffled in I was greeted with the enthusiasm of George Bush at a convention of village idiots.
Obviously my appearance wasn’t going to put the salesman off a potentially huge sale so I decided to drag it out and see how far I could push him by pointing to a beautiful Aston Martin DB6.
“That looks quite nice”
“You have excellent taste Sir, she’s only recently undergone an entire rebuild and as you can see is in concourse condition”
A small amount of small talk followed as I stroked the leatherwork and patted the wings but it wasn’t long before his curiosity finally got the better of him.
“So how much did you win Sir?”
“Er…ten”
Presuming I was referring to millions rather than single digits, the sparkle in his eyes increased in intensity and he skilfully guided me towards something more expensive.
At this point I was in two minds as to whether I should come clean or make a grovelling excuse and bolt for the door.
He made it up for me by opening the driver’s door, ushering me behind the steering wheel and announcing he’d be back shortly with the keys.
This time it was my turn to make a difficult choice. I could easily say “thanks very much” and leave but to be honest it’s not every day I get the chance to drive a Pagani Zonda. I must confess to you Dear Reader, I was overcome by a moment of weakness when he sat in the passenger seat and inserted the ignition key.
“Ok, let’s take her out for a spin”
For any of you that happen to have a few hundred grand lying around under your mattress I can recommend this astonishing vehicle in the most glowing terms. I shall not bore you with details of its speed, handling and ride quality, suffice to say it nearly pushed my intestines through my arsehole when I pressed the accelerator.
Under the circumstances it was quite awkward telling my passenger I didn’t like the car so had to come up with something relatively believable.
To cut a long story short I talked my out of the predicament with the simple expedient of saying I’d prefer a Lamborghini (noticing they didn’t have one in the showroom) and leaving a defunct e-mail address for them to contact me when one became available.
You’d think with this kind of brazen effrontery I’d sail through a couple of 10cent games and dramatically increase by bankroll.
Unfortunately I lost two consecutive hands with A-K and pocket Jacks before exiting faster than the car I’d been in this afternoon. The second game was slightly better in that I busted out with pocket Queens. Either way I’m still below a dollar so will have to re-focus my efforts tomorrow.
Some chance.
So, as I relaxed for the evening I considered the sad fact that I’ll never own a vehicle like the one I took out today but did notice an interesting fact. Some very attractive young ladies took the trouble to give me a second glance when I driving around. With that in mind I have a marketing suggestion for any car designers that may be reading this.
Next time you bring out a new model why not give it a name that will reflect the intention of the purchaser? To this end I’ve got a great one for you:
The Ford Fellatio.
I’ve even come up with a tag line:
“The Fellatio, it’ll blow your socks off”
Snappy eh?
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.75