Day 155
After yesterdays exciting little jaunt, things would have settled down to their normal pace if it wasn’t for the intervention of a gift from the mother-in-law.
On her return home this evening she presented me with a book that someone had given to her at work. On the surface you might think this was a sweet gesture that would give her some peace and quiet while I tried to read it for a few hours.
It did indeed keep me occupied but not in the manner she’d hoped for.
When you know its title, you’ll understand why.
“501 Unusual Cocktails and How to Make Them”
Even the mother-in-law must have realised this wasn’t going to have a happy ending…well, not for anything that didn’t have a direct relationship with my stomach.
Over the past few months the booze cabinet has been depleted to the point of non-existence and it’s only my continual nagging that has enabled it to hover around a mildly acceptable level. After reading part of my newly acquired literature I can report that it’s now completely empty.
I considered the best option was to start at A and work my way alphabetically through as many I could create with the meagre selection of alcohol on offer. Even with limited ingredients this wasn’t quite as difficult as it sounds.
Every Christmas, a huge amount of obscure bottles are purchased on the off-chance a seasonal visitor will ask for something unusual, although off the top of my head I can’t think of anyone who has even a passing knowledge of ‘yellow chartreuse’ or ‘mandrake liqueur’. Consequently they spend the next few years unopened at the back of the cabinet collecting an impressive layer of dust.
Even so, there were sufficient bottles to allow your reporter some experimentation.
I can assure you that an “Adam and Eve” is quite repulsive and not to be tried unless you have a very strong constitution. You’d expect nothing less when you hear it’s made from gin, white wine and vanilla ice cream. Decency forbids me from telling you what it reminded me of but even the briefest viewing of a porn movie will give you a clue.
My next attempt was something that had the delightful title of an “Adios Motherfucker”. I quite liked this one even though I’m pretty sure it destroyed several thousand taste buds and possibly part of my stomach lining. When you realise its constituent parts are vodka, rum, tequila, gin, Blue Curaçao, sour mix and lemonade you wouldn’t be unjustified in assuming it would also have the same effect on the stomach of an ox.
It was at this point I started to get adventurous.
An “Alsatian” is quite an interesting one and aptly named if you think laterally. Requiring cherry brandy, brandy, cold black coffee and sugar syrup it has the appearance of what comes out of the back end of an Alsatian after it’s eaten something disagreeable.
It tasted quite nasty too.
Not surprisingly, I was beginning to feel a little mellow by this time so had a go at a “Bad Apple”. With vodka, Bacardi, Blue Curacao, Grand Marnier and apple juice it should have been fairly pleasant. However, for all I known it could have tasted like anything from boiled water to fermented yak piss as after drinking the “Alsatian” my sense of taste had more or less disappeared.
Considering I now had a blood alcohol level of something approaching that of rocket fuel it probably wasn’t an inspired idea to sit down for a few games of poker but that’s precisely what I did.
Twenty minutes and 30cents later I decided my efforts would be more successful if I directed them back towards the manufacture of vicious drinks.
They weren’t
I didn’t get any further than a “Buddy Bombshell” (beer, brandy, bourbon and vodka) before I realised it was becoming a pointless endeavour. It was getting to the stage where I was unable to pour the ingredients into the glass without getting an equal amount on the floor. I was also finding it increasingly amusing and didn’t want any bursts of drunken laughter to wake up the current Mrs. Snowman.
That would have been a very thought provoking encounter so I’ll try again when I’m in a less vulnerable state.
Tomorrow I might get all the way to the C chapter.
I’m certainly looking forward to having a “Cockle Warmer” followed by a “Clit Licking Cowgirl”.
Who wouldn’t?
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.45
On her return home this evening she presented me with a book that someone had given to her at work. On the surface you might think this was a sweet gesture that would give her some peace and quiet while I tried to read it for a few hours.
It did indeed keep me occupied but not in the manner she’d hoped for.
When you know its title, you’ll understand why.
“501 Unusual Cocktails and How to Make Them”
Even the mother-in-law must have realised this wasn’t going to have a happy ending…well, not for anything that didn’t have a direct relationship with my stomach.
Over the past few months the booze cabinet has been depleted to the point of non-existence and it’s only my continual nagging that has enabled it to hover around a mildly acceptable level. After reading part of my newly acquired literature I can report that it’s now completely empty.
I considered the best option was to start at A and work my way alphabetically through as many I could create with the meagre selection of alcohol on offer. Even with limited ingredients this wasn’t quite as difficult as it sounds.
Every Christmas, a huge amount of obscure bottles are purchased on the off-chance a seasonal visitor will ask for something unusual, although off the top of my head I can’t think of anyone who has even a passing knowledge of ‘yellow chartreuse’ or ‘mandrake liqueur’. Consequently they spend the next few years unopened at the back of the cabinet collecting an impressive layer of dust.
Even so, there were sufficient bottles to allow your reporter some experimentation.
I can assure you that an “Adam and Eve” is quite repulsive and not to be tried unless you have a very strong constitution. You’d expect nothing less when you hear it’s made from gin, white wine and vanilla ice cream. Decency forbids me from telling you what it reminded me of but even the briefest viewing of a porn movie will give you a clue.
My next attempt was something that had the delightful title of an “Adios Motherfucker”. I quite liked this one even though I’m pretty sure it destroyed several thousand taste buds and possibly part of my stomach lining. When you realise its constituent parts are vodka, rum, tequila, gin, Blue Curaçao, sour mix and lemonade you wouldn’t be unjustified in assuming it would also have the same effect on the stomach of an ox.
It was at this point I started to get adventurous.
An “Alsatian” is quite an interesting one and aptly named if you think laterally. Requiring cherry brandy, brandy, cold black coffee and sugar syrup it has the appearance of what comes out of the back end of an Alsatian after it’s eaten something disagreeable.
It tasted quite nasty too.
Not surprisingly, I was beginning to feel a little mellow by this time so had a go at a “Bad Apple”. With vodka, Bacardi, Blue Curacao, Grand Marnier and apple juice it should have been fairly pleasant. However, for all I known it could have tasted like anything from boiled water to fermented yak piss as after drinking the “Alsatian” my sense of taste had more or less disappeared.
Considering I now had a blood alcohol level of something approaching that of rocket fuel it probably wasn’t an inspired idea to sit down for a few games of poker but that’s precisely what I did.
Twenty minutes and 30cents later I decided my efforts would be more successful if I directed them back towards the manufacture of vicious drinks.
They weren’t
I didn’t get any further than a “Buddy Bombshell” (beer, brandy, bourbon and vodka) before I realised it was becoming a pointless endeavour. It was getting to the stage where I was unable to pour the ingredients into the glass without getting an equal amount on the floor. I was also finding it increasingly amusing and didn’t want any bursts of drunken laughter to wake up the current Mrs. Snowman.
That would have been a very thought provoking encounter so I’ll try again when I’m in a less vulnerable state.
Tomorrow I might get all the way to the C chapter.
I’m certainly looking forward to having a “Cockle Warmer” followed by a “Clit Licking Cowgirl”.
Who wouldn’t?
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.45