Day 53
As the New Year creeps towards us and the old one festers into the puddle of history, my ever suffering wife has to endure my annual and traditional day of practical jokes.
You might think the poor woman has enough to put with for the rest of the year simply by remaining married to me but her patience is stretched to breaking point every New Year’s eve.
It started innocently enough when her alarm clock went off at 4.00am with the time re-set to 10.30. This doesn’t have the impact it once had as every year I start with this but she wasn’t expecting the next one. Still asleep she wandered into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, completed her wee and used the lav paper.
I’d put carbon paper under the first few sheets and rolled it back up again.
A scream and barrage of obscene language confirmed she didn’t notice it and now has both blue fingers and a blue bottom.
The sound of the shower being turned on gave me time to get downstairs and ready myself on the sofa.
A look of exasperation was on her face when she wandered in and neglected to give me a kiss good morning. Instead I got a question that sounds almost like a plea:
“Do I have to go through this every fucking year?”
Er….yep.
With a show of loving-kindness I’d put out all the breakfast things out ready for her in the kitchen. A bowl of corn flakes sat next to a sealed carton of milk and a bowl of sugar.
However, Mrs. Snowman was unable to enjoy the nutritious meal as I’d pierced the bottom of the carton and drained the milk, oh; and filled the sugar bowl with water. It had pleasingly transformed into a solid mass with the spoon sticking out of it like Excalibur…and equally immovable.
She carried on as though nothing had happened and made toast instead.
The beauty of Snowman’s joke day is that the wife is expecting something horrible and childish at every turn. Even performing the most mundane of tasks could be the next gag and is therefore approached with caution. Sitting down to dinner requires a careful check for whoopee cushions, getting sugar for coffee has to be scrutinized in case it’s been replaced by a laxative, only cigarettes from sealed packets can be smoked as exploding ones may have otherwise been slipped in.
After two hours of tiptoeing around completely erroneous objects, Mrs. Snowman felt a little safer and got in the car in order to get a few things from the store. Her second scream of the day alerted me to her discovery of the fake snot I’d put on the steering wheel.
Don’t worry; I was thoughtful enough to provide an open box of tissues on the passenger seat.
Shame I glued them together.
She was able to complete the rest of her day without further interference, other than the three plastic flies I put in her teacup as a final gag.
I only entered two freerolls today bur decided to take a chance with some of the $2 single table games in order to get the required amount of player points to enter the New Year $3,000 freeroll event. I managed to do spectacularly badly and ended the day down.
Maybe 2008 will reveal the secrets of successful poker to me
The two secrets of a successful practical joke however, are surprise and preparation. It took me hours to set up a day’s worth of mishaps for the wife’s benefit so I only hope she appreciated it.
I certainly appreciated her input.
I appreciated her reaction to the toilet paper, I appreciated not being assaulted after she stuck her hands in goo but most of all I appreciated the way Mrs. Snowman returned the favor when I retired for the night.
If only I’d thought of putting sandpaper under the bed sheets.
Happy New Year everyone.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $1.76
You might think the poor woman has enough to put with for the rest of the year simply by remaining married to me but her patience is stretched to breaking point every New Year’s eve.
It started innocently enough when her alarm clock went off at 4.00am with the time re-set to 10.30. This doesn’t have the impact it once had as every year I start with this but she wasn’t expecting the next one. Still asleep she wandered into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, completed her wee and used the lav paper.
I’d put carbon paper under the first few sheets and rolled it back up again.
A scream and barrage of obscene language confirmed she didn’t notice it and now has both blue fingers and a blue bottom.
The sound of the shower being turned on gave me time to get downstairs and ready myself on the sofa.
A look of exasperation was on her face when she wandered in and neglected to give me a kiss good morning. Instead I got a question that sounds almost like a plea:
“Do I have to go through this every fucking year?”
Er….yep.
With a show of loving-kindness I’d put out all the breakfast things out ready for her in the kitchen. A bowl of corn flakes sat next to a sealed carton of milk and a bowl of sugar.
However, Mrs. Snowman was unable to enjoy the nutritious meal as I’d pierced the bottom of the carton and drained the milk, oh; and filled the sugar bowl with water. It had pleasingly transformed into a solid mass with the spoon sticking out of it like Excalibur…and equally immovable.
She carried on as though nothing had happened and made toast instead.
The beauty of Snowman’s joke day is that the wife is expecting something horrible and childish at every turn. Even performing the most mundane of tasks could be the next gag and is therefore approached with caution. Sitting down to dinner requires a careful check for whoopee cushions, getting sugar for coffee has to be scrutinized in case it’s been replaced by a laxative, only cigarettes from sealed packets can be smoked as exploding ones may have otherwise been slipped in.
After two hours of tiptoeing around completely erroneous objects, Mrs. Snowman felt a little safer and got in the car in order to get a few things from the store. Her second scream of the day alerted me to her discovery of the fake snot I’d put on the steering wheel.
Don’t worry; I was thoughtful enough to provide an open box of tissues on the passenger seat.
Shame I glued them together.
She was able to complete the rest of her day without further interference, other than the three plastic flies I put in her teacup as a final gag.
I only entered two freerolls today bur decided to take a chance with some of the $2 single table games in order to get the required amount of player points to enter the New Year $3,000 freeroll event. I managed to do spectacularly badly and ended the day down.
Maybe 2008 will reveal the secrets of successful poker to me
The two secrets of a successful practical joke however, are surprise and preparation. It took me hours to set up a day’s worth of mishaps for the wife’s benefit so I only hope she appreciated it.
I certainly appreciated her input.
I appreciated her reaction to the toilet paper, I appreciated not being assaulted after she stuck her hands in goo but most of all I appreciated the way Mrs. Snowman returned the favor when I retired for the night.
If only I’d thought of putting sandpaper under the bed sheets.
Happy New Year everyone.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $1.76