Day 59
Pretty little birds warble sweetly in the trees and small fluffy animals dance playfully around beds of daisies and buttercups. The echoing sound of a flute drifts gently in the breeze and Mr. Sunshine peeks his sparkly eyes around the last wisp of a cloud.
As you can probably tell, despite yesterday’s disaster at the poker tables I’m in a remarkably good mood.
And the reason for my high spirits?
I’ve finished the new website and it’s operational.
Of course, I’ve still managed to make a balls up of one or two items but on the whole it’s complete. For those of you reading this entry on the new site that statement is probably as pointless as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest but I still wanted to say it.
Following several days of frustrated keyboard tapping I finally figured out that the reason it wouldn’t load onto the Internet was that I was clicking the wrong button.
However, my stupidity subsided long enough for all the pages to be planted in the correct server location. I now have to figure out a way of getting all the traffic from the old site to the new one so I wouldn’t be surprised if you all hear of some more cock ups in the days to come.
As a reward for my endeavors I gave myself the afternoon off to relax with a book.
Surrogate daughter had taken the spawn of Satan (her daughter) on a shopping expedition, Mrs. Snowman was at work, mother-in-law was not due back until the evening and the cat was safely dozing upstairs in a bedroom.
After browsing the bookshelves for a while I chose a reference work and stretched out on the sofa. Before I go on I should point out that I find natural history quite fascinating so my choice was in no way unusual. It is from this literary venture that I feel compelled to impart a little of the knowledge I gleaned.
The blue whale has an eight foot penis.
You must understand that I wasn’t searching for this nugget of wisdom; I randomly opened the book and it simply revealed this page…but eight feet! And that’s while it’s still flaccid! I can only assume it increases dramatically in moments of excitement.
And this got me thinking.
When a blue whale gets a stiffy it must act like a rudder.
I mention this because I can’t swim, but I think it could give me the incentive to learn. When a holiday location is finally decided upon from the dozens of brochures currently scattered around the house I’m going to make sure it’s somewhere close to a beach.
I will then be able to put my plan to the test.
I shall enter the water up to my waist, slip off my trunks and fill my head with images of naked females splashing around with each other in a large vat of baby oil.
Within moments I expect to be gliding around like a dolphin in a salmon farm.
The success of this exercise relies entirely on my ability to sustain a head full of dirty thoughts (in conjunction with my buoyancy) for should my dream be interrupted with something other than filth, I’d find myself sinking to the seabed like a sack of house bricks.
Maybe I should try it out first during ladies only night at our local swimming pool although I’m not sure it would be accepted as a legitimate defense if the authorities were called.
I didn’t manage to inflict any poker on anyone today as the bankroll has wilted back to zero but a kind reader has contacted me and offered me to join him on a different site.
This would at least ensure entry to a few freerolls so I shall probably take him up on the offer. Hopefully over the next couple of days you will be unlucky enough to read more about poker than the size of mammalian dicks.
We shall see.
In an earlier post I made the observation that a woman’s fart is similar in pitch and timbre to a whale song. This could be an evolutionary connection that has previously been overlooked which gave me another thought.
If the mother-in-law decides to take a dip in the ocean there is no question she will let one go whilst in the water but as I’ve previously pointed out, she farts like a Molotov cocktail exploding. It probably won’t attract a whale but a couple of angry sharks might show an interest.
I’m booking tickets to The Great Barrier Reef first thing in the morning.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0
As you can probably tell, despite yesterday’s disaster at the poker tables I’m in a remarkably good mood.
And the reason for my high spirits?
I’ve finished the new website and it’s operational.
Of course, I’ve still managed to make a balls up of one or two items but on the whole it’s complete. For those of you reading this entry on the new site that statement is probably as pointless as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest but I still wanted to say it.
Following several days of frustrated keyboard tapping I finally figured out that the reason it wouldn’t load onto the Internet was that I was clicking the wrong button.
However, my stupidity subsided long enough for all the pages to be planted in the correct server location. I now have to figure out a way of getting all the traffic from the old site to the new one so I wouldn’t be surprised if you all hear of some more cock ups in the days to come.
As a reward for my endeavors I gave myself the afternoon off to relax with a book.
Surrogate daughter had taken the spawn of Satan (her daughter) on a shopping expedition, Mrs. Snowman was at work, mother-in-law was not due back until the evening and the cat was safely dozing upstairs in a bedroom.
After browsing the bookshelves for a while I chose a reference work and stretched out on the sofa. Before I go on I should point out that I find natural history quite fascinating so my choice was in no way unusual. It is from this literary venture that I feel compelled to impart a little of the knowledge I gleaned.
The blue whale has an eight foot penis.
You must understand that I wasn’t searching for this nugget of wisdom; I randomly opened the book and it simply revealed this page…but eight feet! And that’s while it’s still flaccid! I can only assume it increases dramatically in moments of excitement.
And this got me thinking.
When a blue whale gets a stiffy it must act like a rudder.
I mention this because I can’t swim, but I think it could give me the incentive to learn. When a holiday location is finally decided upon from the dozens of brochures currently scattered around the house I’m going to make sure it’s somewhere close to a beach.
I will then be able to put my plan to the test.
I shall enter the water up to my waist, slip off my trunks and fill my head with images of naked females splashing around with each other in a large vat of baby oil.
Within moments I expect to be gliding around like a dolphin in a salmon farm.
The success of this exercise relies entirely on my ability to sustain a head full of dirty thoughts (in conjunction with my buoyancy) for should my dream be interrupted with something other than filth, I’d find myself sinking to the seabed like a sack of house bricks.
Maybe I should try it out first during ladies only night at our local swimming pool although I’m not sure it would be accepted as a legitimate defense if the authorities were called.
I didn’t manage to inflict any poker on anyone today as the bankroll has wilted back to zero but a kind reader has contacted me and offered me to join him on a different site.
This would at least ensure entry to a few freerolls so I shall probably take him up on the offer. Hopefully over the next couple of days you will be unlucky enough to read more about poker than the size of mammalian dicks.
We shall see.
In an earlier post I made the observation that a woman’s fart is similar in pitch and timbre to a whale song. This could be an evolutionary connection that has previously been overlooked which gave me another thought.
If the mother-in-law decides to take a dip in the ocean there is no question she will let one go whilst in the water but as I’ve previously pointed out, she farts like a Molotov cocktail exploding. It probably won’t attract a whale but a couple of angry sharks might show an interest.
I’m booking tickets to The Great Barrier Reef first thing in the morning.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0