Day 62
Although I really appreciate correspondence from the readers of this diary, I would like to make the request that we now move on from the sexual habits of animals and stride towards, well…more or less anything else really.
A few days ago we discussed this and the matter doesn’t seem to have any intention of retiring gracefully. I say this because my last two e-mails were littered with facts and data regarding the mountain gorilla and, more worryingly, the female blue whale.
And to one specific writer (you know who you are), no, I’m afraid I don’t know the width of a blue whale’s vagina but if you want to buy a wetsuit and snorkel to find out for yourself…be my guest.
I’d also like to say that the associated comment about your ex-wife was in extremely bad taste…and, as far as I can imagine, physically impossible.
The mountain gorilla letter, on the other hand, did catch my attention.
Apparently this creature has the misfortune to possess a particularly small penis - or, as the letter suggested, the genital equivalent of Rhode Island.
This means that a huge hairy creature with muscles like a steroid addict doesn’t quite have the tackle to match his appearance. Appealing though it is to insert a gag here about a specific individual, I shall bite my lip and resist the temptation. However, if you ever have the occasion to read this aloud to anyone you can fill in the blanks with the name of your choice.
“Filling in”, though, is something that the poor mountain gorilla can’t do particularly well. This might in some way be connected to the fact that it has a one-inch dick and the entire act of reproduction is virtually over before it starts.
As an example, let us take two imaginary gorillas going out on their first date. A sophisticated meal has been eaten and it’s time to go home. (For arguments sake we shall call our animals Bill and Hillary).
Hillary: “That was a wonderful meal, I adore raw leaves but it’s getting late”
Bill: “Would you like to come up to my tree for a nightcap?”
Hillary: “You’ve twisted my arm”
(Bill lets go of Hillary’s arm and guides her to his tree)
Hillary: “Put that cigar down and come here big boy”
Bill: “Now you’re talking”
(Bill cuddles up to Hillary)
Hillary: “Take me you gorgeous ape”
Bill: “Grunt”
Hillary: “Gruuuunnnnt”
Bill: “Ok, I better take you home now”
If any of my ex-girlfriends write to me suggesting that it’s semi-autobiographical, I’m pleading the fifth.
Once more, poker glory eluded me today. I only entered one freeroll as I was too late to register for the others but I was quite pleased with my performance.
I’m happy to say that I lasted longer than a gorilla but still managed to be eliminated before reaching the money. I was finally knocked out with two pair (Kings over 9’s) by a flush. I found myself pot committed with three clubs on the turn and like a moron re-raised. I called and knew before the river that I was in trouble. Oh well, I finished in the top 200 which, in my case, can be considered progress.
Tomorrow I have no option but to start the decorating again as both mother-in-law and Mrs. Snowman have pointed out that Small Child needs more room to be revolting.
Several large cardboard boxes have been obtained in which to throw all the crap so I no longer have any kind of excuse.
If mountain gorillas are that quick at screwing, I wondered if they could perform other tasks as rapidly. I’ve checked the Yellow Pages but there don’t seem to be any primate decoration services although one or two or the pictures of lawyers did look a little hairy.
I sincerely hope this will be the last entry regarding wildlife, especially anything relating to the sexual shortages of gorillas.
However, I have to wonder where they get their stamina.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0
A few days ago we discussed this and the matter doesn’t seem to have any intention of retiring gracefully. I say this because my last two e-mails were littered with facts and data regarding the mountain gorilla and, more worryingly, the female blue whale.
And to one specific writer (you know who you are), no, I’m afraid I don’t know the width of a blue whale’s vagina but if you want to buy a wetsuit and snorkel to find out for yourself…be my guest.
I’d also like to say that the associated comment about your ex-wife was in extremely bad taste…and, as far as I can imagine, physically impossible.
The mountain gorilla letter, on the other hand, did catch my attention.
Apparently this creature has the misfortune to possess a particularly small penis - or, as the letter suggested, the genital equivalent of Rhode Island.
This means that a huge hairy creature with muscles like a steroid addict doesn’t quite have the tackle to match his appearance. Appealing though it is to insert a gag here about a specific individual, I shall bite my lip and resist the temptation. However, if you ever have the occasion to read this aloud to anyone you can fill in the blanks with the name of your choice.
“Filling in”, though, is something that the poor mountain gorilla can’t do particularly well. This might in some way be connected to the fact that it has a one-inch dick and the entire act of reproduction is virtually over before it starts.
As an example, let us take two imaginary gorillas going out on their first date. A sophisticated meal has been eaten and it’s time to go home. (For arguments sake we shall call our animals Bill and Hillary).
Hillary: “That was a wonderful meal, I adore raw leaves but it’s getting late”
Bill: “Would you like to come up to my tree for a nightcap?”
Hillary: “You’ve twisted my arm”
(Bill lets go of Hillary’s arm and guides her to his tree)
Hillary: “Put that cigar down and come here big boy”
Bill: “Now you’re talking”
(Bill cuddles up to Hillary)
Hillary: “Take me you gorgeous ape”
Bill: “Grunt”
Hillary: “Gruuuunnnnt”
Bill: “Ok, I better take you home now”
If any of my ex-girlfriends write to me suggesting that it’s semi-autobiographical, I’m pleading the fifth.
Once more, poker glory eluded me today. I only entered one freeroll as I was too late to register for the others but I was quite pleased with my performance.
I’m happy to say that I lasted longer than a gorilla but still managed to be eliminated before reaching the money. I was finally knocked out with two pair (Kings over 9’s) by a flush. I found myself pot committed with three clubs on the turn and like a moron re-raised. I called and knew before the river that I was in trouble. Oh well, I finished in the top 200 which, in my case, can be considered progress.
Tomorrow I have no option but to start the decorating again as both mother-in-law and Mrs. Snowman have pointed out that Small Child needs more room to be revolting.
Several large cardboard boxes have been obtained in which to throw all the crap so I no longer have any kind of excuse.
If mountain gorillas are that quick at screwing, I wondered if they could perform other tasks as rapidly. I’ve checked the Yellow Pages but there don’t seem to be any primate decoration services although one or two or the pictures of lawyers did look a little hairy.
I sincerely hope this will be the last entry regarding wildlife, especially anything relating to the sexual shortages of gorillas.
However, I have to wonder where they get their stamina.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0