Day 65
I think there’s a poltergeist in the house.
There are no toys flying around of their own accord (Small Child manages to do that without any supernatural assistance) or revolting, putrid smells wafting through the walls (mother-in-law has that department covered), but there is definitely something strange going on.
Firstly, the toilet paper is being used at a frightening rate, far more than a normal human being could possibly get through. I put a new roll on the holder every morning and by evening it’s all gone. I discovered this to my detriment after one of Mrs. Snowman’s more brutal lamb casseroles.
After running up the stairs three at a time (pulling my pants down as I went) and getting to the toilet with less than a second to spare, I noticed there were only three sheets of double ply left on the roll.
Oh brilliant!
I then had to pull one leg out of my trousers and make an awkward pirouette movement so that I was able to reach across the cistern to get another one from the shelf.
Secondly my cigarettes are disappearing.
Ever since females, cats and donkey poker players have simultaneously entered my life; my tobacco consumption has increased dramatically. However, they’re vanishing from the packet faster than I’m smoking them. I’ve also noticed the level of the Southern Comfort bottle is heading south with the same frequency.
I think these occurrences may in some way be connected.
Another ghostly happening concerns the refrigerator, or to be more precise its contents.
I have a particular liking for those little animal shaped chocolate things and, quite properly, keep them chilled. To ensure this they have found a home on the chiller shelf. Every morning I eagerly open the door with the intention of chewing on a miniature hippopotamus and every morning they’ve gone. All females in the house have assured me on pain of death that they haven’t touched them and I’m pretty sure the cat hasn’t figured out the latch mechanism - yet. This either means one of the ladies is being less than truthful or the resident ghost is having a nibble during the night.
The poltergeist theory also goes a long way to explaining why I’m doing so badly at the online tables. I think it may have got into the programming software of my computer. When I have an Ace high flush draw the ghost slides into the modem and deals a couple of clubs on the turn and river. When I’m holding trip Kings it deals someone else a straight and when I try to bluff my way out of trouble I lose out to pocket sixes with nothing on the board.
I’ve explained my reasoning to several of my friends who are regular Internet players and they seem to think that my house ghost has several brothers and sisters who reside in their computers and do the same thing.
It goes a long way to explaining why I lasted less than five minutes in today’s only freeroll when my pocket Queens were busted by trip sevens on the river.
I mentioned my thoughts to Mrs. Snowman who responded by saying that she thinks I’ve finally lost what little mind I had before she met me. I countered by pointing out that only a poltergeist could put insects in between sheets of double-glazing and always manage to leave the same teaspoon in the dishwasher after everything else has been put away.
This could be the best justification for my crap poker that I’ve come up with so far…although it could just as easily be the most pitiful excuse since Monica Lewinski told her dry cleaner it was an ice cream stain on the front of her dress.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.
There are no toys flying around of their own accord (Small Child manages to do that without any supernatural assistance) or revolting, putrid smells wafting through the walls (mother-in-law has that department covered), but there is definitely something strange going on.
Firstly, the toilet paper is being used at a frightening rate, far more than a normal human being could possibly get through. I put a new roll on the holder every morning and by evening it’s all gone. I discovered this to my detriment after one of Mrs. Snowman’s more brutal lamb casseroles.
After running up the stairs three at a time (pulling my pants down as I went) and getting to the toilet with less than a second to spare, I noticed there were only three sheets of double ply left on the roll.
Oh brilliant!
I then had to pull one leg out of my trousers and make an awkward pirouette movement so that I was able to reach across the cistern to get another one from the shelf.
Secondly my cigarettes are disappearing.
Ever since females, cats and donkey poker players have simultaneously entered my life; my tobacco consumption has increased dramatically. However, they’re vanishing from the packet faster than I’m smoking them. I’ve also noticed the level of the Southern Comfort bottle is heading south with the same frequency.
I think these occurrences may in some way be connected.
Another ghostly happening concerns the refrigerator, or to be more precise its contents.
I have a particular liking for those little animal shaped chocolate things and, quite properly, keep them chilled. To ensure this they have found a home on the chiller shelf. Every morning I eagerly open the door with the intention of chewing on a miniature hippopotamus and every morning they’ve gone. All females in the house have assured me on pain of death that they haven’t touched them and I’m pretty sure the cat hasn’t figured out the latch mechanism - yet. This either means one of the ladies is being less than truthful or the resident ghost is having a nibble during the night.
The poltergeist theory also goes a long way to explaining why I’m doing so badly at the online tables. I think it may have got into the programming software of my computer. When I have an Ace high flush draw the ghost slides into the modem and deals a couple of clubs on the turn and river. When I’m holding trip Kings it deals someone else a straight and when I try to bluff my way out of trouble I lose out to pocket sixes with nothing on the board.
I’ve explained my reasoning to several of my friends who are regular Internet players and they seem to think that my house ghost has several brothers and sisters who reside in their computers and do the same thing.
It goes a long way to explaining why I lasted less than five minutes in today’s only freeroll when my pocket Queens were busted by trip sevens on the river.
I mentioned my thoughts to Mrs. Snowman who responded by saying that she thinks I’ve finally lost what little mind I had before she met me. I countered by pointing out that only a poltergeist could put insects in between sheets of double-glazing and always manage to leave the same teaspoon in the dishwasher after everything else has been put away.
This could be the best justification for my crap poker that I’ve come up with so far…although it could just as easily be the most pitiful excuse since Monica Lewinski told her dry cleaner it was an ice cream stain on the front of her dress.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0.