Day 71
For once I’ve had a nice relaxing day.
Both Mrs. Snowman and mother-in-law were at work, the cat has been asleep under one of the beds and Surrogate Daughter took Small Child to visit one of her friends. The house has been an oasis of calm and tranquillity in what is usually a sandstorm of chaos. I awoke late and ate a leisurely breakfast, unhindered by screaming infants or evil felines. I decided to stretch out in front of the television for a couple of hours before having another stab at the decorating.
Not an unreasonable plan by any means.
However, trying to find something reasonable to watch is a lot easier than it sounds.
Daytime television can be broken down into three separate but distinct categories: crap, really crap and fucking appalling.
Although I briefly addressed this in an earlier entry, there was another type of broadcast that caught my attention: advertisements. If you have a particularly warped sense of humour these can be the source of endless amusement.
The big budget ads (which are usually aired on network channels) can be fairly slick productions with exotic locations and A list celebrities but these have a much lower entertainment value than the cheaply produced ones.
For reasons of fairness, I should point out that these particular adverts are aimed at viewers with an IQ lower than their show size. Prime examples are the ones made for cell phone dating companies.
A semi-attractive girl pouts at the camera before batting her eyelids into the screen of her phone. Unfortunately, rather than an appearance of seduction, it looks like she’s got a really bad case of constipation and no manner of winking here eye or flicking her hair can make me think I’d be better off sending the company a case of laxatives rather than my money. I’ve only ever met one person who paid to use the services of one of these operations and when he turned up for his date the woman bore absolutely no resemblance to the one in the photo that was sent to his phone. He was expecting the face of an angel and got one that looked like a buffalo chewing a lemon.
The next sets of adverts are those selling a host of time saving devices for the kitchen. I’m sure you’re more than aware by now that the kitchen is not an environment where I spend a great deal of time but even I know some of this stuff is a waste of money. Today I watched open-mouthed as a cheap lump of crap was being demonstrated by a presenter with such enthusiasm that I thought her tits would explode. I couldn’t figure out if it was a cutting device for vegetables or a specialist piece of equipment for frying steak. Either way, this high quality item looked like it cost about eight cents to manufacture. I nearly coughed up a lung when a ‘special offer’ price of $29.99 was flashed across the screen.
Although it would be possible to continue with a dozen more such categories I shall stop ranting before my blood pressure gets so high that my eyes pop out. However, I can’t draw to a conclusion until I’ve mentioned the banks and insurance companies.
These are crappy adverts for an obvious reason; there are only so many ways you can say “We’re gonna take your cash and do whatever we can to give you fuck all in return” before people get wise to it.
I guess if consumers actually fall for this nonsense, they get what they deserve but I have a theory. Obviously none of this stuff is available in the shops as it would never sell so it has to be pumped out my other means to a potential audience of millions.
By the law of averages, some of these viewers will be mentally unbalanced to a dazzling level. It would not, therefore, be unreasonable to assume that it’s this same small group (and no one else) who purchase everything they see. Their houses are probably full of the latest appliances to trim pubic hair or extract the fluff that collects under their toenails.
I played the lunchtime freeroll with the assistance of a couple of beers and did quite well. I managed to stay out of trouble until most of the donks were eliminated and was pleased with some of my decisions. I ended up being knocked out in 203rd place and, with the financial aspect aside, I really enjoyed myself. If I can have this much fun tomorrow and make the money I’ll feel like I’ve cracked it.
One last thing…if any advertising executives are reading this, I have a great idea for a television commercial. It involves the absorbent qualities of toilet paper.
I could knock out a script in a couple of hours and can even suggest different camera angles for optimum effectiveness. Obviously I wouldn’t expect an actor to actually go through what I have in mind so you might have to purchase a few tubs of chocolate ice cream and chilli sauce for the special effects. We can negotiate my fee over the telephone rather than a lunch meeting as if I explain it over a meal I can assure you that you’ll lose all appetite for food.
I’ll leave the details to your imagination.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0
Both Mrs. Snowman and mother-in-law were at work, the cat has been asleep under one of the beds and Surrogate Daughter took Small Child to visit one of her friends. The house has been an oasis of calm and tranquillity in what is usually a sandstorm of chaos. I awoke late and ate a leisurely breakfast, unhindered by screaming infants or evil felines. I decided to stretch out in front of the television for a couple of hours before having another stab at the decorating.
Not an unreasonable plan by any means.
However, trying to find something reasonable to watch is a lot easier than it sounds.
Daytime television can be broken down into three separate but distinct categories: crap, really crap and fucking appalling.
Although I briefly addressed this in an earlier entry, there was another type of broadcast that caught my attention: advertisements. If you have a particularly warped sense of humour these can be the source of endless amusement.
The big budget ads (which are usually aired on network channels) can be fairly slick productions with exotic locations and A list celebrities but these have a much lower entertainment value than the cheaply produced ones.
For reasons of fairness, I should point out that these particular adverts are aimed at viewers with an IQ lower than their show size. Prime examples are the ones made for cell phone dating companies.
A semi-attractive girl pouts at the camera before batting her eyelids into the screen of her phone. Unfortunately, rather than an appearance of seduction, it looks like she’s got a really bad case of constipation and no manner of winking here eye or flicking her hair can make me think I’d be better off sending the company a case of laxatives rather than my money. I’ve only ever met one person who paid to use the services of one of these operations and when he turned up for his date the woman bore absolutely no resemblance to the one in the photo that was sent to his phone. He was expecting the face of an angel and got one that looked like a buffalo chewing a lemon.
The next sets of adverts are those selling a host of time saving devices for the kitchen. I’m sure you’re more than aware by now that the kitchen is not an environment where I spend a great deal of time but even I know some of this stuff is a waste of money. Today I watched open-mouthed as a cheap lump of crap was being demonstrated by a presenter with such enthusiasm that I thought her tits would explode. I couldn’t figure out if it was a cutting device for vegetables or a specialist piece of equipment for frying steak. Either way, this high quality item looked like it cost about eight cents to manufacture. I nearly coughed up a lung when a ‘special offer’ price of $29.99 was flashed across the screen.
Although it would be possible to continue with a dozen more such categories I shall stop ranting before my blood pressure gets so high that my eyes pop out. However, I can’t draw to a conclusion until I’ve mentioned the banks and insurance companies.
These are crappy adverts for an obvious reason; there are only so many ways you can say “We’re gonna take your cash and do whatever we can to give you fuck all in return” before people get wise to it.
I guess if consumers actually fall for this nonsense, they get what they deserve but I have a theory. Obviously none of this stuff is available in the shops as it would never sell so it has to be pumped out my other means to a potential audience of millions.
By the law of averages, some of these viewers will be mentally unbalanced to a dazzling level. It would not, therefore, be unreasonable to assume that it’s this same small group (and no one else) who purchase everything they see. Their houses are probably full of the latest appliances to trim pubic hair or extract the fluff that collects under their toenails.
I played the lunchtime freeroll with the assistance of a couple of beers and did quite well. I managed to stay out of trouble until most of the donks were eliminated and was pleased with some of my decisions. I ended up being knocked out in 203rd place and, with the financial aspect aside, I really enjoyed myself. If I can have this much fun tomorrow and make the money I’ll feel like I’ve cracked it.
One last thing…if any advertising executives are reading this, I have a great idea for a television commercial. It involves the absorbent qualities of toilet paper.
I could knock out a script in a couple of hours and can even suggest different camera angles for optimum effectiveness. Obviously I wouldn’t expect an actor to actually go through what I have in mind so you might have to purchase a few tubs of chocolate ice cream and chilli sauce for the special effects. We can negotiate my fee over the telephone rather than a lunch meeting as if I explain it over a meal I can assure you that you’ll lose all appetite for food.
I’ll leave the details to your imagination.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0