Day 76
Yesterday, rather than writing a diary entry, I thought it would be fun to drop in a magazine article I wrote and subsequently withdrew as it didn’t quite have the right feel for it’s intended publication.
There was, of course, another reason for inclusion in these pages.
I was simply too lazy to write something specific for the diary. A few of you immediately saw straight through the ploy and one specific reader even requested I delve into the reference books again and continue or discussion on blue whales and mountain gorillas.
Don’t worry, I have no intention of opening up that particularly horrible can of worms again so will return to the more mundane matters concerning today’s events.
I think there’s been some kind of house meeting involving all the females, including the cat. As far as I can tell there was only one item of discussion on the agenda that revolved around a motion to send me to the funny farm.
It started badly enough after getting up following my usual four hours of sleep.
Not content with a soundtrack of snoring and baby screams, the cat has now joined in with its own contribution by scratching at the bedroom door and meowing at such a pitch that milk starts to curdle in the fridge downstairs. I had no option but to get out of bed and wander to the bathroom.
I have vague recollections of a dream that included a cracking sound and a whimpering noise. Initially I thought this to be a wonderful fantasy of mother-in-laws and cats in a sexual masochist’s torture chamber but a single glance at the bath revealed the actual source of my sleepy vision.
Surrogate daughter had somehow drawn her attention away from aggression to objects in the kitchen and turned it those upstairs.
She’d somehow pulled the bath panel off.
My first reaction was to spin on my heels and go back to bed with the quilt pulled over my head for the remainder of the day but I persevered and got dressed instead. On questioning, daughter later informed me:
“It wasn’t attached properly. Someone must have loosened it”
Sometimes words fail me.
I ended up shutting myself in the bedroom and locking the door.
Later in the day I ventured downstairs to obtain a light snack and a couple of beers, hopeful I would avoid contact with any of the females. Even though I sneaked quietly past the living room, daughter still managed to corner me in the kitchen with a pleading look on her face.
It seems she has decided more freedom is required in her life and wants to get a car.
Not surprisingly she is unable to drive and enquired if I would be willing to teach her.
I’m sure you don’t need much of an imagination to figure out my response, but for those of you who need some prompting you might like to work it our by arranging these words into a well known phrase or saying:
Way…Fucking…No.
I played one freeroll today and after three hours of avoiding donkeys and lunatics finished in 53rd place. I thought this was a great achievement considering the competition. It was therefore something of a shame that this $50 tournament only paid out the top 27. I shall have to wait another 24 hours before I can try and improve on it.
One more point that should be made regarding Surrogate Daughter’s request for driving lessons. When she was wheeling Small Child around the supermarket this afternoon in her pushchair she managed to hit three lots of shelving units, two shoppers and the candy rack on the front of the checkout.
We’re currently spending billions of dollars on high tech bombs and munitions in Iraq and Afghanistan. We could reduce this figure to virtually zero simply by sending both daughter and small child to Baghdad, although it might smell of baby sick the place would be completely flattened by this time tomorrow morning.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0
There was, of course, another reason for inclusion in these pages.
I was simply too lazy to write something specific for the diary. A few of you immediately saw straight through the ploy and one specific reader even requested I delve into the reference books again and continue or discussion on blue whales and mountain gorillas.
Don’t worry, I have no intention of opening up that particularly horrible can of worms again so will return to the more mundane matters concerning today’s events.
I think there’s been some kind of house meeting involving all the females, including the cat. As far as I can tell there was only one item of discussion on the agenda that revolved around a motion to send me to the funny farm.
It started badly enough after getting up following my usual four hours of sleep.
Not content with a soundtrack of snoring and baby screams, the cat has now joined in with its own contribution by scratching at the bedroom door and meowing at such a pitch that milk starts to curdle in the fridge downstairs. I had no option but to get out of bed and wander to the bathroom.
I have vague recollections of a dream that included a cracking sound and a whimpering noise. Initially I thought this to be a wonderful fantasy of mother-in-laws and cats in a sexual masochist’s torture chamber but a single glance at the bath revealed the actual source of my sleepy vision.
Surrogate daughter had somehow drawn her attention away from aggression to objects in the kitchen and turned it those upstairs.
She’d somehow pulled the bath panel off.
My first reaction was to spin on my heels and go back to bed with the quilt pulled over my head for the remainder of the day but I persevered and got dressed instead. On questioning, daughter later informed me:
“It wasn’t attached properly. Someone must have loosened it”
Sometimes words fail me.
I ended up shutting myself in the bedroom and locking the door.
Later in the day I ventured downstairs to obtain a light snack and a couple of beers, hopeful I would avoid contact with any of the females. Even though I sneaked quietly past the living room, daughter still managed to corner me in the kitchen with a pleading look on her face.
It seems she has decided more freedom is required in her life and wants to get a car.
Not surprisingly she is unable to drive and enquired if I would be willing to teach her.
I’m sure you don’t need much of an imagination to figure out my response, but for those of you who need some prompting you might like to work it our by arranging these words into a well known phrase or saying:
Way…Fucking…No.
I played one freeroll today and after three hours of avoiding donkeys and lunatics finished in 53rd place. I thought this was a great achievement considering the competition. It was therefore something of a shame that this $50 tournament only paid out the top 27. I shall have to wait another 24 hours before I can try and improve on it.
One more point that should be made regarding Surrogate Daughter’s request for driving lessons. When she was wheeling Small Child around the supermarket this afternoon in her pushchair she managed to hit three lots of shelving units, two shoppers and the candy rack on the front of the checkout.
We’re currently spending billions of dollars on high tech bombs and munitions in Iraq and Afghanistan. We could reduce this figure to virtually zero simply by sending both daughter and small child to Baghdad, although it might smell of baby sick the place would be completely flattened by this time tomorrow morning.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0