Day 79
I’m bored.
For the past two days I’ve been stuck in bed feeling very unwell. I’ve gone through the hot, sweaty stages and have now progressed to sneezing and blowing my nose to a point where I’m expecting my brains to shoot down my nostrils. Mrs. Snowman has threatened me with violence if I even think about venturing downstairs until my temperature has returned to normal, leaving me incarcerated in the bedroom.
She has also barred me from smoking and, even worse, drinking anything stronger than orange juice. I’ve been surfing the Internet to find out if this can be considered grounds for divorce under extreme mental torture.
So, I’m therefore imprisoned here until further notice…and I’m bored.
I’m bored out of my fucking mind.
I’ve seen the same episode of ‘The Montel Williams Show’ three times. It was dreadful on the first viewing and got worse on the second. By the third I was practically suicidal.
I can now quote an instalment of ‘Judge Judy’ word for word although I still can’t figure out how you can sue someone for cutting your hair half an inch too short. The plaintiff claimed it would take six months to grow back. Fuck off!! My nasal hair grows faster than that. If she’s so concerned about it, I’ll send her the trimmings from my nose and she can glue them on.
Not surprisingly, the television has been turned off.
For a while, the Internet proved to be a useful distraction and you won’t be surprised to hear I discovered some extremely interesting facts. I spent a couple of hours reading these before the freeroll started and thought I should share a few of them with you. Apparently they are all genuine.
1. Some people drink the urine of pregnant women to build up their immune system.
A number of questions sprang to mind on reading this. What was going through someone’s mind when they first thought of trying this? It must have been a very awkward conversation. “Good morning darling, you look radiant today. I’ll bring you breakfast in bed, oh…and could you give me a glass of piss to go with my sausages?” Alternatively they may have been in hospital at the time and a doctor recommended it “There you are Mr. Jones, here’s a sample jar, just nip down to the maternity ward and get someone to fill it up for you”
2. The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Germany in World War Two fell on a zoo and killed the only elephant in Berlin.
Now this was either a huge targeting error by the navigator or a brilliant piece of precision bombing by someone with a pathological hatred towards elephants. “Ok skipper keep her steady, nearly there…not quite…and…bombs away!” (waits a few seconds to observe the impact) “That’s a direct hit skipper, Jumbo terminated. One additional casualty of a keeper hit by some trunk shrapnel. Good job everyone”
3. A lion’s roar can be heard from 5 miles away.
I suspect the person who discovered this was able to run faster then his colleague, or more accurately, was able to run faster than the lion. Five miles is also a reasonable distance to assume it’s safe to turn around and make sure there’s not a big hairy mane following him. He also probably broke the land speed record.
4. Twenty five percent of all sports injuries involve the wrist or hand.
There’s no doubt this figure has increased since the advent of the Internet, assuming of course that masturbation can be recognised as a sport. The positive side is that if young adolescent males can reach their formative years without such an injury they will have colossally powerful right forearms. The next generation of baseball players will be able to pitch a ball at around 300mph.
Unfortunately I found no helpful information relating to Online poker. This was bourn out by my elimination in 434th place in today’s freeroll. I only have myself to blame after going all-in with a full house of 8’s over Queens. With a pair of Queens on the board it was inevitable the caller had Queens over.
I shall leave you with one final fact before I sign off for the day.
The average yawn lasts for six seconds.
Presumably they didn’t conduct the tests while the subject was watching a daytime television chat show. That one would have gone on for at least half an hour.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0
For the past two days I’ve been stuck in bed feeling very unwell. I’ve gone through the hot, sweaty stages and have now progressed to sneezing and blowing my nose to a point where I’m expecting my brains to shoot down my nostrils. Mrs. Snowman has threatened me with violence if I even think about venturing downstairs until my temperature has returned to normal, leaving me incarcerated in the bedroom.
She has also barred me from smoking and, even worse, drinking anything stronger than orange juice. I’ve been surfing the Internet to find out if this can be considered grounds for divorce under extreme mental torture.
So, I’m therefore imprisoned here until further notice…and I’m bored.
I’m bored out of my fucking mind.
I’ve seen the same episode of ‘The Montel Williams Show’ three times. It was dreadful on the first viewing and got worse on the second. By the third I was practically suicidal.
I can now quote an instalment of ‘Judge Judy’ word for word although I still can’t figure out how you can sue someone for cutting your hair half an inch too short. The plaintiff claimed it would take six months to grow back. Fuck off!! My nasal hair grows faster than that. If she’s so concerned about it, I’ll send her the trimmings from my nose and she can glue them on.
Not surprisingly, the television has been turned off.
For a while, the Internet proved to be a useful distraction and you won’t be surprised to hear I discovered some extremely interesting facts. I spent a couple of hours reading these before the freeroll started and thought I should share a few of them with you. Apparently they are all genuine.
1. Some people drink the urine of pregnant women to build up their immune system.
A number of questions sprang to mind on reading this. What was going through someone’s mind when they first thought of trying this? It must have been a very awkward conversation. “Good morning darling, you look radiant today. I’ll bring you breakfast in bed, oh…and could you give me a glass of piss to go with my sausages?” Alternatively they may have been in hospital at the time and a doctor recommended it “There you are Mr. Jones, here’s a sample jar, just nip down to the maternity ward and get someone to fill it up for you”
2. The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Germany in World War Two fell on a zoo and killed the only elephant in Berlin.
Now this was either a huge targeting error by the navigator or a brilliant piece of precision bombing by someone with a pathological hatred towards elephants. “Ok skipper keep her steady, nearly there…not quite…and…bombs away!” (waits a few seconds to observe the impact) “That’s a direct hit skipper, Jumbo terminated. One additional casualty of a keeper hit by some trunk shrapnel. Good job everyone”
3. A lion’s roar can be heard from 5 miles away.
I suspect the person who discovered this was able to run faster then his colleague, or more accurately, was able to run faster than the lion. Five miles is also a reasonable distance to assume it’s safe to turn around and make sure there’s not a big hairy mane following him. He also probably broke the land speed record.
4. Twenty five percent of all sports injuries involve the wrist or hand.
There’s no doubt this figure has increased since the advent of the Internet, assuming of course that masturbation can be recognised as a sport. The positive side is that if young adolescent males can reach their formative years without such an injury they will have colossally powerful right forearms. The next generation of baseball players will be able to pitch a ball at around 300mph.
Unfortunately I found no helpful information relating to Online poker. This was bourn out by my elimination in 434th place in today’s freeroll. I only have myself to blame after going all-in with a full house of 8’s over Queens. With a pair of Queens on the board it was inevitable the caller had Queens over.
I shall leave you with one final fact before I sign off for the day.
The average yawn lasts for six seconds.
Presumably they didn’t conduct the tests while the subject was watching a daytime television chat show. That one would have gone on for at least half an hour.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $0