Day 86
Yesterday I’m sure that most of you got sack loads of Valentines Day cards from a host of admirers. Want to know how many I got?
None.
I counted them twice to make sure.
My initial thoughts were that the postal delivery system had broken down under the strain of transporting several tons of cards to my door and they would be arriving today by special courier. Rather than needing a shovel to dig my way through piles of letters, I could simply stroll as there were only three items of mail for me.
They consisted of a bank statement that read like a balance sheet from Enron, a circular asking if I would be interested in a twelve month subscription to Readers Digest and a fabric catalogue that had clearly been sent to the wrong person.
My next thought was to check my e-mail account in case someone had decided to send me an electronic message of adoration but this depressed me even more.
My ‘in box’ was a barren as a eunuch’s underpants.
Next year I might send a few cards to myself.
However, the worst thing that happened today (unsurprisingly) concerned Small Child.
In a remarkable display of stupidity, Surrogate Daughter gave it the television remote control to play with. This action alone should carry a long prison sentence but for what happened next I would have skipped a trial and sent her straight to the electric chair.
Small child started to chew it and covered every surface in a film of dribble immediately prior to vomiting all over it.
Female readers may shrug at this point and wonder what all the fuss is about; men however will understand the full horror of the situation.
The male species are born with a tendon in their right hand that it is magnetic to television remote controls.
Wherever a man is sat in a room, the unit will gravitate towards him and remain there until the TV is turned off. As such, anything that interferes with this natural process can be considered both heretic and an aberration against mankind. Small Child is not only against nature but also contrary to the fundamental laws of the Universe.
I put a hand against the wall to steady myself as Surrogate Daughter tried in vain to wipe the sick of its surface. Obviously I wasn’t going to touch it and had no option other than to scour the Internet in search of a replacement, regardless of the cost.
Next time it throws up I wouldn’t be surprised to see its head spin around.
Before I tell you about today’s poker it might be an idea to pour yourself a large drink, grab a handful of tranquilizers and take a deep breath.
I actually came out ahead after a couple of hours at the tables.
At this point I can visualize several readers fainting in disbelief but it’s true.
The 1c/2c tables had the dubious pleasure of my company and I just bided my time and waited. It took a while and I only played premium hands but both times I was dealt pocket bullets they held up; once giving me trips from which I called a short stacked all-in. The other A-K off gave me another nice pot and I cashed in for the day.
After learning some harsh lessons about bankroll management from my earlier exploits it was my intention to invest $5, make 50c and walk away. I don’t think a daily10% target is unreasonable so I was therefore delighted to make $3.25. I’ll stick to the same plan tomorrow and keep a few fingers and a couple of toes crossed.
It’s only due to the poker that I can sleep soundly tonight with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I don’t know what melody is playing in the hearts of any of the females in the house but whatever it is I’m sure it’s something nasty.
Although I have no intention of getting a stethoscope to find out what it is, I’d bet my last buck it’s a Spice Girls number.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $23.35
None.
I counted them twice to make sure.
My initial thoughts were that the postal delivery system had broken down under the strain of transporting several tons of cards to my door and they would be arriving today by special courier. Rather than needing a shovel to dig my way through piles of letters, I could simply stroll as there were only three items of mail for me.
They consisted of a bank statement that read like a balance sheet from Enron, a circular asking if I would be interested in a twelve month subscription to Readers Digest and a fabric catalogue that had clearly been sent to the wrong person.
My next thought was to check my e-mail account in case someone had decided to send me an electronic message of adoration but this depressed me even more.
My ‘in box’ was a barren as a eunuch’s underpants.
Next year I might send a few cards to myself.
However, the worst thing that happened today (unsurprisingly) concerned Small Child.
In a remarkable display of stupidity, Surrogate Daughter gave it the television remote control to play with. This action alone should carry a long prison sentence but for what happened next I would have skipped a trial and sent her straight to the electric chair.
Small child started to chew it and covered every surface in a film of dribble immediately prior to vomiting all over it.
Female readers may shrug at this point and wonder what all the fuss is about; men however will understand the full horror of the situation.
The male species are born with a tendon in their right hand that it is magnetic to television remote controls.
Wherever a man is sat in a room, the unit will gravitate towards him and remain there until the TV is turned off. As such, anything that interferes with this natural process can be considered both heretic and an aberration against mankind. Small Child is not only against nature but also contrary to the fundamental laws of the Universe.
I put a hand against the wall to steady myself as Surrogate Daughter tried in vain to wipe the sick of its surface. Obviously I wasn’t going to touch it and had no option other than to scour the Internet in search of a replacement, regardless of the cost.
Next time it throws up I wouldn’t be surprised to see its head spin around.
Before I tell you about today’s poker it might be an idea to pour yourself a large drink, grab a handful of tranquilizers and take a deep breath.
I actually came out ahead after a couple of hours at the tables.
At this point I can visualize several readers fainting in disbelief but it’s true.
The 1c/2c tables had the dubious pleasure of my company and I just bided my time and waited. It took a while and I only played premium hands but both times I was dealt pocket bullets they held up; once giving me trips from which I called a short stacked all-in. The other A-K off gave me another nice pot and I cashed in for the day.
After learning some harsh lessons about bankroll management from my earlier exploits it was my intention to invest $5, make 50c and walk away. I don’t think a daily10% target is unreasonable so I was therefore delighted to make $3.25. I’ll stick to the same plan tomorrow and keep a few fingers and a couple of toes crossed.
It’s only due to the poker that I can sleep soundly tonight with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I don’t know what melody is playing in the hearts of any of the females in the house but whatever it is I’m sure it’s something nasty.
Although I have no intention of getting a stethoscope to find out what it is, I’d bet my last buck it’s a Spice Girls number.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $23.35