Day 97
You may remember a few days ago I made a completely unintentional verbal error when chatting to friend of mine in the States and made a fool of myself. Today I made a similar mistake and although it wasn’t a verbal one it had far more embarrassing repercussions.
Mrs. Snowman requested that I obtain some information regarding our forthcoming holiday.
As much of it will be spent in and around beaches she wanted me to get some details on scuba diving, snorkelling and other aquatic activities; well, she will spend some time in the sea, I intend to spend as much of it as I can in a drunken haze in and around as many bars as I can visit before I pass out. However, as she had to go food shopping I was given the task of surfing the Internet to find the required facts.
This seemed like a fairly easy way to spend a couple of hours so, as she disappeared from the house, I got to work.
I clicked the Explorer icon, typed in “watersports” and sat back.
The results that popped up on the screen weren’t quite what I expected.
Apparently other then its innocent meaning, “watersports” has an altogether different value for some people. After opening the first item on the list that fact became all too clear…in vivid, high definition Technicolor.
It seems there is an enthusiastic, and thankfully small, section of society that has a sexual penchant for urinating on each other.
One specific image showed a female with a truly remarkable range. Next time there’s a fire fighters strike in San Francisco they could easily call upon her services to help extinguish a blaze. From what I saw, she could lie on her back and put out the flames from Colorado.
I mean can you imagine breaking the news of having this particularly revolting desire to your nearest and dearest? Lying in bed on a cool Sunday morning with your bodies gently entwined as a curl of hair is brushed from your eyes you turn and whisper with smoldering passion,
“Darling?”
“Yes my angel?”
“Can you do something for me?”
They’d gaze back lovingly into your eyes and reply softly “Of course my love, anything, what is it?”
“Er…can you take your knickers off and piss on my head?”
I’m not entirely sure of the exact reaction of Mrs. Snowman if I was to ask for such a thing but I’m pretty sure it would result in a sharp object being very rapidly inserted into my skull.
So, as I was sat reviewing one of the offending sites, I heard a noise over my shoulder. Actually it was more of a sonic boom as I felt the presence of a wife shortly before she screamed at the computer and pointed incredulously at the pictures,
“What the fuck is that?”
“…ummm”
It’s kind of difficult to know the answer to that one in such a position but there was an epilogue.
Mother-in-law had also rocked up to discover the reason for her daughter’s outburst and got an eyeful before I could click the mouse to remove it.
“You dirty, filthy little bastard!”
I was banished to the bedroom and only after a couple of hours had passed was I able to return and explain the situation. It was eventually accepted after I showed them the search history but I’ve still got an image rattling around my head of mother-in-law practically coughing her teeth out in horror.
Today’s poker on the other hand wasn’t quite so horrific as you may think. It started badly, got worse and finished on an inspiring high in preparation for tomorrow. I registered for an $11 tournament in the evening and dabbled with a quick $5.50 one while I waited for it to start. Although I missed out again on the money in both events I consider I played well and made the top 10% in each one. I don’t mind losing with A-Q in my pocket after re-raising three times the big blind from mid-position and finding myself facing a flush on the river with under cards as I don’t consider that to be poor play. The second beat came with a stupid call of 9-10 suited against a King on the board and then trying to bluff the flush.
However, I also entered a $2.20 satellite event for a huge tournament tomorrow. To cut a long story short, after three hours of play…I qualified in first place!
Just my luck to win something that didn’t actually offer any cash as a prize.
So, as I slip quietly to bed with a smile on my face I just have to remember to delete the Internet history from my laptop before Mrs. Snowman gets her hands on it.
After today’s events, I don’t think she’ll believe me when I tell her I was searching for information on tropical fruit when “Big Melons” comes up in the search window.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $3.83
Mrs. Snowman requested that I obtain some information regarding our forthcoming holiday.
As much of it will be spent in and around beaches she wanted me to get some details on scuba diving, snorkelling and other aquatic activities; well, she will spend some time in the sea, I intend to spend as much of it as I can in a drunken haze in and around as many bars as I can visit before I pass out. However, as she had to go food shopping I was given the task of surfing the Internet to find the required facts.
This seemed like a fairly easy way to spend a couple of hours so, as she disappeared from the house, I got to work.
I clicked the Explorer icon, typed in “watersports” and sat back.
The results that popped up on the screen weren’t quite what I expected.
Apparently other then its innocent meaning, “watersports” has an altogether different value for some people. After opening the first item on the list that fact became all too clear…in vivid, high definition Technicolor.
It seems there is an enthusiastic, and thankfully small, section of society that has a sexual penchant for urinating on each other.
One specific image showed a female with a truly remarkable range. Next time there’s a fire fighters strike in San Francisco they could easily call upon her services to help extinguish a blaze. From what I saw, she could lie on her back and put out the flames from Colorado.
I mean can you imagine breaking the news of having this particularly revolting desire to your nearest and dearest? Lying in bed on a cool Sunday morning with your bodies gently entwined as a curl of hair is brushed from your eyes you turn and whisper with smoldering passion,
“Darling?”
“Yes my angel?”
“Can you do something for me?”
They’d gaze back lovingly into your eyes and reply softly “Of course my love, anything, what is it?”
“Er…can you take your knickers off and piss on my head?”
I’m not entirely sure of the exact reaction of Mrs. Snowman if I was to ask for such a thing but I’m pretty sure it would result in a sharp object being very rapidly inserted into my skull.
So, as I was sat reviewing one of the offending sites, I heard a noise over my shoulder. Actually it was more of a sonic boom as I felt the presence of a wife shortly before she screamed at the computer and pointed incredulously at the pictures,
“What the fuck is that?”
“…ummm”
It’s kind of difficult to know the answer to that one in such a position but there was an epilogue.
Mother-in-law had also rocked up to discover the reason for her daughter’s outburst and got an eyeful before I could click the mouse to remove it.
“You dirty, filthy little bastard!”
I was banished to the bedroom and only after a couple of hours had passed was I able to return and explain the situation. It was eventually accepted after I showed them the search history but I’ve still got an image rattling around my head of mother-in-law practically coughing her teeth out in horror.
Today’s poker on the other hand wasn’t quite so horrific as you may think. It started badly, got worse and finished on an inspiring high in preparation for tomorrow. I registered for an $11 tournament in the evening and dabbled with a quick $5.50 one while I waited for it to start. Although I missed out again on the money in both events I consider I played well and made the top 10% in each one. I don’t mind losing with A-Q in my pocket after re-raising three times the big blind from mid-position and finding myself facing a flush on the river with under cards as I don’t consider that to be poor play. The second beat came with a stupid call of 9-10 suited against a King on the board and then trying to bluff the flush.
However, I also entered a $2.20 satellite event for a huge tournament tomorrow. To cut a long story short, after three hours of play…I qualified in first place!
Just my luck to win something that didn’t actually offer any cash as a prize.
So, as I slip quietly to bed with a smile on my face I just have to remember to delete the Internet history from my laptop before Mrs. Snowman gets her hands on it.
After today’s events, I don’t think she’ll believe me when I tell her I was searching for information on tropical fruit when “Big Melons” comes up in the search window.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $3.83