Day 98
Today I was going to be even lazier than usual and simply paste in a couple of magazine articles I’ve written rather than take the trouble to compose something original for the diary. Luckily, I happened to read through my agreement and discovered that not only would I be in breach of contract but also one of my editors would visit my home and ritually disembowel me with a sharpened dealer button…plus, of course, I wouldn’t get paid.
Therefore, I’m afraid you’ll all have to put up with the usual shit I pump out in these pages, and as usual today’s entry starts something fairly nasty.
I awoke this morning with an uncomfortable feeling around the rear of my nether regions and found, for some reason, my body had decided to present me with a zit on my right buttock. Usually, this little inconvenience wouldn’t be considered any source of amusement but I thought you’d like to know that when I bent over in front of the mirror to get rid of it (a truly repulsive image) I managed to squeeze the wrong bum cheek.
Anyway, wandering downstairs to start my day I found the house deserted apart from the cat who stared at me from its vantage point on the back of the sofa. Rather than a shower I decided to lay in the bath for half an hour and make the most of the peace and quiet before the inevitable chaos when Surrogate Daughter and Small Child return from wherever they’ve gone. I had a quick shave and discovered I’d run out of bright blue hair dye again. As I use it to color my beard I’m forced to use the remainder of the red stuff which had previously been the cause of the purple accident.
A long peaceful bath is duly had and I stepped out to dry myself.
I noticed there was a container of talcum powder so thought it wouldn’t be unreasonable to try it out on my feet as an alternative to my usual body spray. They might look like a couple of newly sugared doughnuts after I’d finished but at least my feet would smell nice.
After grabbing hold of the container, I shook the hell out of it and nothing came out. I carried on with this for a while before studying the package and realizing the top has to be twisted in order to extract the powder. I consequently gave it a twist followed by a particularly vigorous shake.
The top flew off and covered me from head to foot.
For a moment I couldn’t see a thing through the white snowstorm that was now wafting around the bathroom.
It was everywhere, including up my nostrils and down my throat. Little piles of white powder were forming on the floor and windowsill; it probably looked similar to Keith Richards’ dressing room after a Rolling Stones gig.
What’s more it took me nearly an hour to clean it all up…and I had to have another bath. As I write these words I still smell like a French hooker’s underwear in a perfume factory.
So, after yesterday’s event (the poker victory rather than the Internet mishap) I sat down with the laptop and waited for the $50K tournament to start. I decided it might be a good idea to have a quick practice with a $5.50 event. I assumed the competitors in higher value tournaments would be good, tight players and I would be involved in some fascinating mind games and duels with the other people at my table. Contrary to my hopes they turned out to be complete maniacs.
The most popular play seemed to be all-in with rubbish pockets and after losing a couple of hundred chips I sat back to enjoy the carnage. I folded everything for more than forty minutes until I was dealt K-K and really had no option but to cal another all-in and found myself up against pocket Aces. Sure enough, the bullets held up and my dreams of a six-figure balance were left in shreds.
However, I was still doing well in the other tournament and eventually managed to finish in the money and saw $14.80 added to my bankroll.
Ok, not a fortune but at least it’s in the right direction…for once.
I was also forced to explain to Mrs. Snowman today’s mishap in the bathroom when she came home. She took one sniff of me and accused me of spending time with another woman.
Fortunately for important parts of my body, that I would prefer remained attached, my explanation was accepted, not least because my cleaning skills are so bad that a good proportion of the evidence was still liberally scattered around the bathroom.
I may very well have fucked-up the poker tournament but no one can deny that I smelt quite beautiful while I was doing it.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $18.13
Therefore, I’m afraid you’ll all have to put up with the usual shit I pump out in these pages, and as usual today’s entry starts something fairly nasty.
I awoke this morning with an uncomfortable feeling around the rear of my nether regions and found, for some reason, my body had decided to present me with a zit on my right buttock. Usually, this little inconvenience wouldn’t be considered any source of amusement but I thought you’d like to know that when I bent over in front of the mirror to get rid of it (a truly repulsive image) I managed to squeeze the wrong bum cheek.
Anyway, wandering downstairs to start my day I found the house deserted apart from the cat who stared at me from its vantage point on the back of the sofa. Rather than a shower I decided to lay in the bath for half an hour and make the most of the peace and quiet before the inevitable chaos when Surrogate Daughter and Small Child return from wherever they’ve gone. I had a quick shave and discovered I’d run out of bright blue hair dye again. As I use it to color my beard I’m forced to use the remainder of the red stuff which had previously been the cause of the purple accident.
A long peaceful bath is duly had and I stepped out to dry myself.
I noticed there was a container of talcum powder so thought it wouldn’t be unreasonable to try it out on my feet as an alternative to my usual body spray. They might look like a couple of newly sugared doughnuts after I’d finished but at least my feet would smell nice.
After grabbing hold of the container, I shook the hell out of it and nothing came out. I carried on with this for a while before studying the package and realizing the top has to be twisted in order to extract the powder. I consequently gave it a twist followed by a particularly vigorous shake.
The top flew off and covered me from head to foot.
For a moment I couldn’t see a thing through the white snowstorm that was now wafting around the bathroom.
It was everywhere, including up my nostrils and down my throat. Little piles of white powder were forming on the floor and windowsill; it probably looked similar to Keith Richards’ dressing room after a Rolling Stones gig.
What’s more it took me nearly an hour to clean it all up…and I had to have another bath. As I write these words I still smell like a French hooker’s underwear in a perfume factory.
So, after yesterday’s event (the poker victory rather than the Internet mishap) I sat down with the laptop and waited for the $50K tournament to start. I decided it might be a good idea to have a quick practice with a $5.50 event. I assumed the competitors in higher value tournaments would be good, tight players and I would be involved in some fascinating mind games and duels with the other people at my table. Contrary to my hopes they turned out to be complete maniacs.
The most popular play seemed to be all-in with rubbish pockets and after losing a couple of hundred chips I sat back to enjoy the carnage. I folded everything for more than forty minutes until I was dealt K-K and really had no option but to cal another all-in and found myself up against pocket Aces. Sure enough, the bullets held up and my dreams of a six-figure balance were left in shreds.
However, I was still doing well in the other tournament and eventually managed to finish in the money and saw $14.80 added to my bankroll.
Ok, not a fortune but at least it’s in the right direction…for once.
I was also forced to explain to Mrs. Snowman today’s mishap in the bathroom when she came home. She took one sniff of me and accused me of spending time with another woman.
Fortunately for important parts of my body, that I would prefer remained attached, my explanation was accepted, not least because my cleaning skills are so bad that a good proportion of the evidence was still liberally scattered around the bathroom.
I may very well have fucked-up the poker tournament but no one can deny that I smelt quite beautiful while I was doing it.
Starting bank: $0
Current bank: $18.13